


Now Entering: Night Vale

by anAnonWrites



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Crossover, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24457543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anAnonWrites/pseuds/anAnonWrites
Summary: Instantly upon arriving in a small and strange desert town he doesn’t remember driving to, the radio in Thomas Sanders’ car flickered to life, and all of his Sides appeared in the back of his car. The thing is: The Sides are real corporeal beings who can be seen by other people.The local community radio show host, Cecil G. Palmer, and his husband, Carlos the Scientist, take special interest in Thomas and his Sides, and offer to be their guides to this friendly desert community.This town isn’t quite like any other place Thomas has been to. It’s a place where every conspiracy theory one could think of is real and a part of everyday life, a place where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep.Welcome to Night Vale[Uploads every other Friday, currently on break]
Relationships: Carlos/Cecil Palmer
Comments: 86
Kudos: 107





	1. 1A: A Carnival Returns to Town

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This fic will contain spoilers for Cecil's Secret from A Spy in The Desert. All Sides will be portrayed neutrally/sympathetically, and Remus will be acting like Remus (Sexual Innuendo, Crude Humor).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A group of strangers arrive in town, but all of them seem to share the same face. The local radio station host and his husband go to meet them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Brief clown discussion, Food mention, Yelling (Caps), Xenophobia, Lying, Blood mention, Minor character death, discussion of time, Remus Sanders being Remus Sanders (crude humor, sexual innuendo, etc.)
> 
> Word Count: 2405

_ A pull in the heart strings _

_ A yank in the chest _

_ Your fate draws nearer every second _

_ Welcome to Night Vale _

**CECIL:** Good evening listeners. Today we begin with some solemn news: The carnival has returned to town once more. Those of us who have survived to tell the tale may recall the time when the carnival arrived in our small town nearly 5 years ago. We bravely defended our town and drove out those interlopers who had tried to work their wicked carnival magic upon us. However, it has appeared that the carnival has returned once more. 

I am live on the scene, out near the edge of town by Larry Leroy’s house, where a crowd has gathered. The people are raising their fists and are chanting, “Interlopers! Interlopers!” at said interlopers. I can’t quite see from here, but it appears that the crowd is surrounding a car with a license plate from...oh, goodness. This car has come all the way from Flor-...Flour-.....Floo-...Flooreyedah. Flooreyedah. I don’t know my geography that well, but I’m pretty that Flooreyedah is very far from here. Let me get a closer look.

(shuffling noises)

Well then, while I’m trying to get a closer look, I’d like to inform everyone that I’m here with someone who you all may know. I’ll give you a few hints: He is very handsome, has a gorgeous beard, and is a very well renowned scientist here in Night Vale. He’s also my husband. Okay. It’s Carlos. Say hi, Carlos.

**CARLOS:** Hey everyone. (quietly) Babe, didn’t we already talk about calling me really handsome over live radio?

**CECIL:** I know. It’s just that I love you very much. 

**CARLOS:** Awwww.

**CECIL:** (ahem) Carlos is here because he insists that these interlopers are actually not a part of the carnival. I can see now that there is a single file line of 7 men standing next to the driver’s side of the car, and they all appear to have the same face...just different clothing. Brown hair and eyes, almost 6 feet in height. Carlos, these are obviously clowns. 7 men from Flooreyedah who look exactly the same except their clothing and come out of one tiny car must be clowns.

**CARLOS:** I don’t know, Cecil. I don’t think they are. Usually clowns wear makeup and wear baggier clothing. This is so that they can trip over their shoes and make circus tents out of their clothing. They also usually have big tomatoes taped to their faces, so that when they run into each other, they make a splat on their faces, and people laugh. It’s not quite understood why people enjoy the misery of others, but clowns have made a complete business of it. And, clowns are a part of circuses, and circuses are different from carnivals! Some carnivals and circuses may team up for world domination, but this is just 7 men and one car. These men all look very normal, besides the fact that they are all standing in a single file line and look identical. Maybe they’re septuplets?

**CECIL:** I don’t know, but- oh! It appears that the leader is approaching me. Um, (ahem). INTERLOPERS-

**???:** Oh! Goodness gracious!

**CARLOS:** Cecil! You can’t yell at him while you’re holding the mic! Oh, I’m so sorry! I’m Carlos, and this is my husband, Cecil. He’s not always like this.

**CECIL:** INTERLOPERS!

**???:** It’s fine. Um, can you explain where I am?

**CECIL:** Oh, you know full well where you are, INTERLOPER!

**CARLOS:** Night Vale. This is Night Vale. Can you give us a minute?

**???:** Umm, yeah. Sure thing!

**CARLOS:** Cecil dear, you can’t yell at him. I definitely don’t think that he’s a part of the carnival, or the circus for that matter. The crowd  _ will _ follow your lead if you stop for a moment to just talk to him.

**CECIL:** They’re tricking you with their carnival magic, Carlos. You have to snap out of it, no matter how fun and hilarious it may be to see the clo-. No! Cecil, you have to snap out of it. Cecil, come on..

**CARLOS:** Cecil. Everything will be okay. You just..you just have to give them a chance. Y’know. Like how you gave me a chance.

(Beat.)

**CECIL:** (sigh) Alright. For you. (ahem). I apologize for my behavior earlier. It was slightly out of hand.

**???:** It’s fine. It was a very warm welcome!

**CECIL:** So, int-traveler from...Flooreyedah. What’s your name?

**THOMAS:** Oh, I’m Thomas. Thomas Sanders. I’m from Florida.

**CECIL:** Ohhh. Flaharidha. And the people behind you?

**THOMAS:** People? People behind me? There’s no one behind me.

**CARLOS:** But, Mr. Sanders, there are clearly six other men who got out of the car who are currently lined up behind you.

**THOMAS:** I, um. (chuckling nervously) I’m kind of scared to look, but um..yup. Yeah, I don’t see anyone behind me. Just this big, now very quiet crowd of people staring at me and my car.

**CARLOS:** Surely you must see something? There are six men who look identical to you except for clothing. They are currently copying your every movement.

**THOMAS:** Nope. I don’t see anything.

**CECIL:** Well, I suppose you’re not a group of clowns after all.

**THOMAS:** What?

**CECIL:** Oh. Listeners, it appears that Sheriff Sam is here, and um, oh. They are dispersing the gathered crowd. “Move along now. Give the man some space. I'll take him from here.” And now they are shepherding the 7 men back into their car. They are inspecting Mr. Sanders' papers, while asking a few questions, and oh! Sanders is driving away, and everyone is going back to whatever they were doing before.

Well then. I suppose we have a new visitor in town, or maybe several. I don't know. I've got to head back to the station, and Carlos..?

**CARLOS:** I’ve got to get back to the lab. After work, I'll go and pick up the groceries. I'll see you at home. (Mwah) Bye, love.

**CECIL:** Bye, dear. As Carlos drives away to his lab in the Scientist District, and as the people return to their everyday lives, I will bring you traffic.

A man grips the wheel tightly, his knuckles clenched and white. He stares straight ahead, not quite sure where he is going. There are six identical men in the car with him.

They all say nothing.

Despite not knowing where he was going, the driver ends up at a house. His house. His house in a strange new town that he had never heard of. Despite not knowing where you are going, you will always end up where you are meant to be: home.

The driver pulls into the driveway and turns off the engine. He and his six identical passengers do not leave the car. The air grows warmer and warmer in the desert heat. At last, one of them speaks.

"Is this our house?" An identical man asks. He has glasses and a blue tie. His eyes are carefully calculating and taking in the world around him. "What about our place back in Florida?"

"We bought this," The second identical man says. "Thomas bought this." This man also has glasses. However, he sports a light blue polo shirt, half of a cat onesie, and a wide grin upon his face. But this grin is forced, and strained, the corners pulled taut across the face, lest he falters. "We live here now."

"But why?" The third identical man asks. "We had a home, friends, family, and a job all the way back in Florida. Why would we ever leave? I’m sorry, but this was an absolutely awful idea. If anything goes wrong, of which there are many things that could, I blame Patton. I love you Pop Star, but this is too far. We’ve already been almost arrested today! This town is giving me  _ really _ bad vibes." Despite the summer heat, the man draws his purple patchwork black hoodie close to his body. His hair swoops into his face, his eyes dark and sunken, as he taps his foot on the floor. He stares out the window at the white van parked across the street, where a camera was pointed at them, obviously taking photos.

“You have such a tendency to over exaggerate, Virgil!” The fourth identical man says. He holds a mace with a wild grin upon his face, as a whitish streak of hair falls into his eyes. “This town is amazing! I wanna check out that library we passed earlier! I think I saw some blood on the windows! There might be something especially spoopy in there! Ooo! And did you see those glowing lights over that Arby’s? Or that massive glowing clou-”

“Thomas, stop distracting yourself. You’re going to feel awful stuck in this car. I know I’m certainly not sweltering in here.” The fifth identical man takes off his hat, and a third arm appears from under his caplet to dab at his forehead. He sweats profusely, and he continues to dab at the left, scaly side of his face with a handkerchief. “We should get inside and cool down before anyone sneaks in on us. Virgil has a point. This town is suspicious.”

“As much as I hate to say it, Janus is right,” the final sixth identical man says. He crosses his arms over his red sash, dressed in an outfit similar to that of a fairytale prince’s. He leans his head against the window, instantly pulling away from the heat. “I know that I’m the hot one, but right now, I’m  _ really _ hot in this outfit. I suggest that we go inside, get something to eat, and turn on some  _ Frozen _ to help us cool down.”

“Deodorant?” The fourth identical man pulls out a stick of softened deodorant and takes a bite out of it, then offers it to the man in the red sash. “It’s my favorite flavor, Stinky Poo Logs! And if you are all so hot, then why don’t you just strip down to the bare basics?”

The driver sighs, resting his head on the wheel. His brown leather jacket weighs down on his back, and his forehead glistens with sweat. The second identical man pats the driver on the shoulder, smiling. “We should go inside. It’s time we  _ desert  _ this car.”

A mix of groans, chuckles, and snickers breaks the tension, and the seven men exit the car, form a single file line, and enter their home.

This has been traffic.

Listeners, I have just settled back in the station, and I have some good news and some bad news. Let’s start with the good news.

The strangers who have come to town have caused no harm to any citizens or buildings. They were just seen entering a recently sold home not too far from the station, and are settling in nicely. 

A few people have gone to the house with a few welcoming gifts. My brother-in-law, Steve Carlsburg, and my niece, Janice, came over to the house with a plate of scones. The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Everyone’s Homes has even presented herself to them by writing a message written in ketchup packets on the kitchen wall reading, “Welcome to your new home. I am the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home, and I am your permanent roommate. Do you have a Hulu subscription? I’ve been meaning to catch up on several shows, but everyone is too busy wasting their time buying Disney+ and watching classic movies that they should have on VHS. Not that anyone has a VHS player in Night Vale anymore. I ate all the tapes.”

The bad news: we have recently lost another intern to the Night Vale Community Radio Internship Program. To the family of Intern Nemo, they will be missed. They were a wonderful intern. Very bright and devoted, they have been sucked into the contents of one of the station’s hot milk drawers, while getting a certain radio show host his coffee, even though he prefers to take his coffee black. Nemo will be missed.

So, if anyone is willing, we have an internship position open here at Night Vale Community Radio! Please send an application, and you can expect to hear from us within 14 days to 14 months in the future, to 14 years in the past because time is weird like that. Oh, wait. No. Isn’t time fixed now? I believe that’s what Carlos told me. I forgot the finer details...So um...correction: you can expect to hear from us within 14 days. Maybe. Hopefully.

But as they say in show business: “Even if you’ve lost another show intern to the dangers of the universe, the show must go on.”

Speaking of show business, the Night Vale Community Theater Company has begun preparing for this year’s fall production of the timeless classic: Little Shop of Horrors. If you’ve never heard of this well-renowned show, it is a musical based on actual historic events of a famous plant shop told through pop, hip hop, and rap. Auditions are open this Sunday.

And now, a segment from the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

Hey kids, did you know that science is  _ interesting _ and  _ fun _ ? Let’s try this experiment to prove that science is interesting and fun. Go up to anyone and anything, and ask them, “Do you think that science is interesting and fun?” If they say yes, then congrats! You have a new friend you can talk with about how science is interesting and fun. If they say no, then you must convince them that science is interesting and fun until they say yes. Make science jokes. Do experiments with them. Call the Sheriff’s Secret Police and have them arrest this being for not thinking that science is interesting and fun. This is called ‘garnering the public opinion’, and was a common practice in shady government election deals!

This has been the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

Well, it’s getting late listeners. The sun has begun to set. The moon has begun to rise. The stars have come out to partially shine through the void. It has certainly been an interesting day. (sigh) I should be getting home soon.

Stay tuned next for the gentle sounds of your kitchen blender making a smoothie out of everything you own.

Good night,

Night Vale.

Goodnight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This is very much a self indulgent AU. If there are any potential trigger warnings I may have missed, please feel free to comment them below.


	2. 1B: A Carnival Returns to Town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A group of strangers arrive in town, but all of them seem to share the same face. Thomas and the Sides don’t know where they are, or how they got here, but they need a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Brief Swearing, Arguing, Yelling (caps), Xenophobia, Lying, Brief Discussion of Time, Food
> 
> Word Count: 2394

Thomas Sanders; a male aged 30 years and raised in Gainesville, Florida; drove without a word into the desert. He packed merely a suitcase of clothing, and told no one of his disappearance. 

He drove.

And drove.

And drove.

There was no rest for him, no sleep, no eating, no drinking, no stopping.

Only driving,

And finally, he arrived in the quiet desert town of Night Vale.

As he crossed the town border, his radio independently flickered to life, and it tuned itself to the town’s most popular radio show. He listened to a man named Cecil Gershwin Palmer speak in a low voice about the Sheriff's Secret Police, a handsome scientist named Carlos, and the dog park that no people were allowed to enter. He shut off the radio, but it continued to turn on again, so he let it be.

In the backseat of the car appeared six men, all identical to Thomas in physical feature, but each wearing different clothing. Thomas looked into the rearview mirror, saw the men, and slammed on the brakes.

He turned around, and stared at the six men in the backseat of his car. “Am I seeing things, or are you all…?” His voice trailed off as Remus squirmed in the back, sitting on Janus’ lap. Patton was next to him in the passenger’s seat. Logan was squashed between Roman and Virgil, dumbstruck as Roman reached out to feel his surroundings. Finally-

“Solid. Corporeal.. Existing in reality,” Virgil said quietly. He didn’t look particularly excited about the situation. In fact, he looked just about ready to scream, “What the  _ fuck _ is going on?! How are we here?  _ Why _ are we here?!” Instead, he calmly said, “Where are we Thomas? Why did you leave Gainesville? You have family and friends there. You have a home there. Why are we here, in the middle of nowhere?”

“I-I don’t know,” Thomas admitted. The streets were empty and quiet. The sun shone overhead, the car suddenly much warmer with the presence of six more men. “I just had a feeling.”

“A feeling to just get in your car and drive off to some random town in the American Southwest?” Virgil asked. “I’m sorry, but who’s frickin’ idea was this?”

Everyone was silent, before Patton quietly spoke up from the passenger’s seat. “It was me.”

The car erupted into noise and conversation, everyone desperate trying to talk over each other.

“Padre, it was you?”

“Patt, I don’t understand why you would just leave home and family and work and friends and-”

“I  _ never _ would’ve such impulsive behatvior from a Side such as yourself, Patton.”

“I had no say in this whatsoever. I’ve had enough of not being listened to-”

“Listen, it was just this gut feeling I had, and-”

Thomas held the driver’s wheel and stared blankly ahead. Suddenly, he saw them. “Um guys…Guys there’s people coming.”

“What?!” Virgil scrambled up towards the front to look out. “Holy shit.”

“Virgil!”

“Sorry, Patton. I’m just a little busy looking at the crowd gathering that is chanting at us.”

“What?!” 

Everyone looked out the windows. There was indeed a crowd gathering, loudly chanting, “INTERLOPERS! INTERLOPERS! INTERLOPERS!” The people raised their fists in the air and surrounded the car, continuing their loud chanting.

“Guys, what do we do?” Thomas asked, desperately looking around for a way out, even though there clearly was none.

“Stay still.” Everyone was suddenly frozen, as Janus spoke quietly. “The radio is reporting everything going on right now, They were even talking about us entering town. There is clearly something going on here.”

Virgil snarled through his teeth, “Yeah, no kidding. So what do we do? Just still here until the cops come and probably arrest us for being ‘interlopers?’”

“No. We lie.”

“But isn’t lying-”

“Do you really want to question me right now, Virgil? Unless you or anyone else for that matter has a better idea?” No one else spoke. “I thought so. We need to assert confidence. Thomas. Get out of the car and approach the man holding the microphone. He’s the radio show host. Act calm and natural. Pretend like we aren’t here. Everyone else, follow Thomas in a single file line, and copy his every move. We have to make it appear as if  _ they _ are imagining us.”

“How do we know that they can see you guys?” Thomas asked skeptically.

Logan cleared his throat. “They're saying, ‘Interlopers’, meaning that they are seeing multiple people. Janus, is right. It would do us well not to get arrested for any strange laws pertaining to this area about travellers. We all exit, line up in a single file line, and copy Thomas’ movements, as he talks to the radio show host.”

Everyone got out of the car and lined up, single file. Thomas gulped, then but on a brave face as he approached the radio show host. The man was not too short or tall, not fat or too thin. He stood next to a handsome man in a lab coat, and spoke quickly into his microphone. As Thomas approached him, he suddenly yelled, “INTERLOPERS!”

The crowd’s chanting was spurred on as they yelled at the travelers. The man, presumably the scientist spoken about on the radio, tugged on the radio show host’s sleeve and spoke with him. The Sides continued looking directly at the back of the other’s head. They stumbled backwards just as Thomas did, and mouthed his words, copying his every move.

This uneasy game of pretend continued until a police siren rang, and a car pulled up just behind the crowd. The Sheriff of Night Vale approached the group. They stared down the crowd.

“Move along now. Give them some space.” They turned to face Thomas and the group. “I'll take him from here.” Thomas tensed his body, as the Sheriff approached. “I’m Sheriff Sam of Night Vale,” they explained. “I have a few questions to ask you.”

Sheriff Same led Thomas into his car, and the Sides followed suit. They sat silently, as Thomas rolled down his window and the sheriff looked inside. “I will ask you some questions as I examine your papers and license.”

“Oh, um okay.” Patton froze, completely still as Thomas reached over and took out some papers from the glove compartment and pulled out his license. Virgil tapped his foot again, snapping his fingers as Thomas handed them to the sheriff. “Here you go, Sheriff.”

They began to rapidly read through the papers while Sheriff Sam occasionally looked inside the car over their sunglasses. “Name?”

“Thomas Sanders.”

“Where are you from?”

“Gainesville, Florida.”

“Huh,” they said. “That’s far from here.”

“Yup.”

“Any reason you came? It’s pretty hard to get to Night Vale unless you know the right people.”

“Um..I had a gut feeling?”

“That’s understandable. Guts do that all of the time.” Thomas stared at them quizzically as Sam looked over at the papers one more time.

They walked around the car before handing the papers and licence back to Thomas. “Looks good to me.” They looked into the car. “There is no real way to leave this town, so you may as well drive to City Hall later and get your New Night Vale Citizen Packet while you’re there.” They then noticed the Sides. Their eyes narrowed as she looked at each of them in the eye. “You have more than one double, and you’re travelling with them?”

Thomas looked nervously behind him. “I’m sorry Sheriff, but I don’t really understand what you mean. People have been insisting that there are people with me, but I don’t see them. And, w-I can’t leave?”

“Look, Mr. Sanders,” Sheriff Sam said. “Time is weird. This  _ town _ is weird. We long accepted that our town and all of its eccentricities, and time was only recently fixed. If you and your doubles seem to cause any trouble while we’re letting time get fixed, there will be problems. Just know that I'll be keeping an eye on you. ”

“Yes, sheriff.”

“Welcome to Night Vale.” The sheriff patted the roof of the car, entered their own, and drove off. The crowd had long since dispersed and the streets were now quiet.

“Well,” Thomas said quietly. “That was interesting. Where to now, Patton?”

He was silent, staring at the hot pavement ahead of them. It was silent, save the low rumbling of the engine before he said, “Home.”

And then Thomas drove. He drove past the old used car lot and a dog park. He drove past an empty and dark library and a diner. He drove past a bank building and a theater. He drove past Arby’s and Ralph’s. He drove past City Hall and a radio station. And then he pulled into a driveway of a house he did not know. He turned off the engine and everyone was silent, as the car filled with warm air.

After much discussion and deliberation, they exited the car once more in single file, and entered the house. As soon as they entered, Virgil reminded Thomas to lock the door and draw the blinds. “We don’t want anyone to see us,” he explained to Thomas, as they went to each room and closed the blinds and tested the lights.

The other Sides explored the house. It was two stories, with three bedrooms and two bathrooms. It was already furnished, as if a family had lived there at one point. Thick layers of dust covered most surfaces, and empty, faded picture frames hung on the walls. “It’s as if you knew we’d be living with you,” Logan said to Thomas when they met outside a bathroom. Suddenly, there was a scream from downstairs.

Logan, Virgil, and Thomas hurried downstairs to find Patton and Roman in the kitchen. Janus and Remus were right behind them. Thomas looked at Patton first, and asked, “What ha-OH MY GOSH.”

On the wall, written in red was the message: “Welcome to your new home. I am the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home, and I am your permanent roommate. Do you have a Hulu subscription? I’ve been meaning to catch up on several shows, but everyone is too busy wasting their time buying Disney+ and watching classic movies that they should have on VHS. Not that anyone has a VHS player in Night Vale anymore. I ate all of them.”

“What the- is this some sort of prank or something?” Thomas asked. He slowly stepped toward the wall, staring at the red writing. “Is that-”

Remus quickly leapt over and tasted the message. The others shrunk away in disgust, but he announced cheerily, “It’s just ketchup!”

“Ketchup?” Logan looked skeptically at the man crouched on the kitchen counter, who continued to use his fingers to eat away at the message. “Are you completely sure that it’s ketchup and not-”

“It’s 100% ketchup. I’d know otherwise.”

The rest of the group stood in utter disbelief and didn’t notice anything odd at all until a quiet voice whispered into their ears, “So do you have Hulu?”

Everyone jumped and looked around, but there was no one they could see. “Who the frick is in our house?” Virgil asked, collapsing his hands over his mouth after noticing it had gone several octaves deeper.

“Calm down, all of you,” The female voice continued. “I am the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home, and everyone else’s home for that matter.”

“What do you want?” Roman asked, drawing a sword from his side. He stood his ground, looking around him. “I’m not afraid to use this!”

“I’ve told you already,” the woman snapped. “Do you have Hulu or not?”

“Umm, we have Disney+?”

“Unbelievable.” They could not see the woman, but they could feel her presence all around them. “I usually don’t make myself known, though everyone already knows I’m secretly living in their homes. I was going to surprise you, but I need to finish watching Little Fires Everywhere, and no one else has kept their Hulu subscription, even though they’re offering a three program subscription! Do they not consider the Faceless Old Women Who Secretly Live in Their Homes at all?”

“There’s more than one of you?” Logan asked.

“No. I simply exist in everyone’s houses at once.”

“Oh. That-that isn’t very helpful,” he said, about to point to her, then realizing that he didn’t know where she was.

Thomas looked around him, trying to find any sign of the Faceless Old Woman. Seeing none, he spoke loudly, projecting his voice throughout the house. “I’m Thomas Sanders. These are my Sides. They usually don’t exist in real life, but now they do. I don’t know why, but they just do. Please don’t tell anyone.”

“You don’t have to do that, you know. I’ll hear you.” The woman’s voice came from right next to Thomas this time. He whipped around, trying to find her, but saw nothing. “You will see me when you see me. I am a woman with many secrets. This is nothing; I won’t tell.”

“Thank you. We really appreciate it. Um, can you leave us alone now?”

The woman sighed. “Alright then. Just keep something interesting on. After living for a few centuries, you start running out of ways to entertain yourself.” They couldn’t see her leave, but they could feel her absence.

The group silently continued to look around the house, Remus having completely cleaned the ketchup off the wall. They found a radio, and turned it on, just in time for the sign off of Cecil Palmer.

“Stay tuned next for the gentle sounds of your kitchen blender making a smoothie out of everything you own. Good night, Night Vale. Goodnight.”

And then came a whirring and clashing sound like churning metal, but it was actually somehow rather soothing. So, they kept the radio on.

They all collectively agreed to let Thomas keep one room to himself. The Sides paired up to take a room. Remus and Janus in one bedroom, Patton and Roman in another, and Virgil and Logan offered to take the couches in the living, even though everyone knew it was unlikely that either of them slept.

“Who knows,” Logan prompted. “When Thomas falls asleep, we could retreat to his mind.”

So they all went to bed, tired from the long day, and without bothering with making dinner.


	3. 2A: Now Hiring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Due to a series of completely unrelated events, new job positions are opening all over Night Vale. The local radio station host and his husband also plan a dinner party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Death mention, insects, blood mention, food discussion, snake mentions, yelling in caps,
> 
> Word Count: 1923
> 
> A/N: I didn’t make it quite clear in the past chapter and I apologize for that, but each chapter has two parts, A and B (like a cassette tape ;)). The A Side is written in Cecil’s perspective, and the B Side is in Thomas and the Sides’ perspective! (P.S. There was a B Side for Chapter 1! Read it here!)

**[August 10, 2019]**

_Come one, come all!_

_It’s a new day!_

_A new day full of potential, possibilities, and death!_

_Welcome to Night Vale_

**CECIL:** Good evening listeners. We begin with the Community Calendar.

On Sunday, Carlos and I will be hosting a Dinner Party at our house from 9 PM until...well. We don’t know yet. Don’t worry. Nobody died. This isn’t a murder mystery dinner theatre. It’s simply a private event, in which a few of our family members will come and have dinner with us. We’re going to be making spaghetti carbonara. It’s going to be really yummy. [beat] I didn’t plan this part out. It wasn’t written in my notes. I just thought about it, and I thought you all should know.

Monday, the Night Vale Parent-Teacher Association will be hosting a bake sale fundraiser for the extra supplies in each classroom of the Elementary and High Schools as the school year approaches. They’ll be trying to experiment this year with using blood like finger paints, as writing utensils are banned in Night Vale, and only registered citizens can use computers. There were many difficulties in figuring out how to host a bake sale, mainly because wheat and wheat-by-products are prohibited in Night Vale, but PTA secretary Steve Carlsburg has told me that they will be selling completely legal wheat-free products, after spending countless hours awake at night baking and nervously wondering if people even went to bake sales anymore.

Tuesday, the Night Vale Zoo opens its new exhibit on double headed snakes. Zookeeper Joanna Ray says that she promises not to eat the exhibit, though I highly doubt that’s going to happen, giving her previous history of eating the animals kept at the zoo, particularly those of which are in a live presentation. So, get your tickets now and go and visit the Night Vale Zoo while it lasts!

Wednesday, the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home will be opening an art exhibit, situated at...your home! “It’s a collection of photos depicting the ways that different people react to waking up with insects on their faces. Most people end up screaming.” Well, huh. That sounds interesting. I remember when Carlos and I woke up with beetles on our faces. It wasn’t very fun.

Thursday is running ahead of schedule and isn’t looking back now. You forgot to lock it’s schedule in,and now it's free, free, FREE!

And Friday, Dark Owl Records will be hosting a sale on _everything_ , by which Michelle Nguyen, owner of Dark Owl Records, means nothing. “Yeah, so we found a back room that didn’t use to exist.“ Michelle said in a statement as she tried to spin a CD around her pinky finger. “And we decided to put everything inside the backroom to clear out space for our band to perform, but the door to the backroom, like, disappeared, and now we have nothing to sell. We’ll restock again soon, maybe. I don’t know.” Well, Michelle, I can assure you that I’ll be heading down to Dark Owl Records today for this limited time offer!

This has been the community calendar.

Oh! I just got a text! From...Carlos! He wants to know if we can have a few more guests over tomorrow night for dinner. Um…[while texting] ”Sure. Who, do you want to have over?” Send.

Wait, ‘Thomas?’ The Thomas we met yesterday? “Okay then. Do we have enough to cook for 7 more guests?” Wait, can we acknowledge them? Ummm… He says, “Let’s not talk now. You’re on the air. Also yes, I have a lot of food at home for us to cook with.” Well that settles it.

Ahem, sorry for the distraction. It was...urgent. Now then:

There have been a lot of new job positions opening up around Night Vale. We don’t know the reason why, but there may be some correlation with the number of people being arrested by the Sheriff’s Secret Police, who are taking these people to the abandoned mine- [growing ominous noises] oh. Oh! Um, [whispering into microphone] I don’t think that Station Management is pleased. Um, [normally] forget everything I said. This isn’t recorded. You won’t remember anything. You _don’t_ remember anything! So, um. I suppose it’s time for a new segment we’re calling Now Hiring! [ominous noises subside]

Um.. the Night Vale Community Radio Station has not yet received any applications for the Internship Program! Yes, we know that the mortality rate is much higher than at your average radio station, but this isn’t your average radio station! And in case you haven't noticed, this isn’t your average town! [ahem] You will develop your investigative and reporting skills, knowledge of sound engineering, and learn how to make the perfect coffee! So please. Consider applying for an internship here at Night Vale Community Radio.

The Night Vale Zoo is looking for a few new zookeepers to help with the new exhibit. “We just don’t want to leave Joanna in charge and have her accidentally eat the exhibit,” other zookeepers explained. “Please. We’ll do anything.”

Ooo...This one’s interesting. Carlos is holding auditions for someone to join his team of scientists! It says here that you have to understand the scientific process, and you’ll be expected to perform the secret scientist dance. Oh! I think I've actually heard of that! It’s when you raise your arms above your head then run in a figure-eight four times shouting, “AHHH! EUREKA! I HAVE DONE A THING! A SCIENCE THING!” before politely bowing to the nearest tree.

This has been the new segment I made up, Now Hiring.

Listeners, I’ve gotten another text from Carlos. Hang on. I promise this will be the last time, and then we’ll go back to our regularly scheduled programming. He wants to know if there’s anything else I’d like him to pick up from the Ralphs. Okay. Let me just…

[phone ringing]

 **CARLOS:** Hello?

 **CECIL:** Hi, honey!

 **CARLOS:** Cecil! I didn’t expect you to call me! You could’ve just texted your response.

 **CECIL:** But I miss you!

 **CARLOS:** [sigh] I miss you too, but you have a show to put on! Tell you what. I’ll stop by the station, and we can have lunch together. I'll wear my safety gear over my ‘skipping-work-to-go-see-my-husband’ lab coat, so that we can eat it in the men’s bathroom with Khoshekh. We can have coffee, and some invisible pie I’ll bring from the Moonlite All-Nite Diner, or-or, some takeout from Arby’s!

 **CECIL:** That sounds great, sweetie. I’ll set up a picnic spot in the bathroom. Maybe, I could bring some bar stools from the break room, and we can sit by the sink. I still have some cat food here for Khoshekh, though...it appears like I’ll be running out soon.

 **CARLOS:** I’ll get some while I get the groceries for tomorrow’s dinner party!

 **CECIL:** Oh, right! The dinner party! Carlos. Let’s assume that we...hypothetically… wanted to have six more guests than the three who are supposed to be coming tonight, six guests who _hypothetically_ look exactly like one other guest except for their clothes. Do you think that _hypothetically_ we would have enough to cook for all of them?

 **CARLOS:** Yup.

 **CECIL:** Okay! Bye Carlos! I love you!

 **CARLOS:** I love you too, babe! [mwah]

[end tone]

 **CECIL:** Apologizes, listeners. That was...also urgent. You know what? Let’s take a look at today’s horoscopes.

Leo. Today is the kind of day where you should just go with the flow. Hop into your bathtub and let the water run down onto your body, as you shrink down in size, following the water down the drain and to wherever it takes you.

Virgo. It’s right behind you! Right behind you! No, over the other shoulder! The _other_ other shoulder! _No!_ The other other _other_ shoulder! Aww. Too late. What happened? I think you know.

Libra: It’s a good day for making connections, but planning may be difficult. Just fuse your body with the person you’re struggling to make plans with, and everything will be a-okay!

Scorpio. It may seem like money is the only thing on your mind today. But there’s so much more than that. There are nerves and brain juice there too!

Sagittarius. It’s time to think about every choice you’ve made in your life and think on it. What went wrong? How did you end up like this? Could have this all been avoided? All avoided, if you didn’t do that _one_ thing?

Capricorn. [laid back] Chill out, dude. Like, there’s a _ton_ of stuff going on in your life right now, and you may be blamed for everything, but like dude. Chill out. You can’t really articulate what you need to say, but you’ll say it eventually.

[normal] Aquarius. You are taking charge today! You’re ready to talk and plan and have everything in order. Everything is fine. _Everything. Is. Fine._

Pisces. You’ve got your work cut out for you. See! It’s finely diced into pieces. Oh, is that a julienne cut? Very nice.

Aries. This could be the start of something incredible, y’ know. Just...shhshhh. It’ll be fine. Just close your eyes. And let the dream consume you.

Taurus. _Whoa, whoa, whoa_ . Are you sure about that? Because that looks pretty illegal? Nahhh. It’s _definitely_ illegal. Oh, come on! Hey! Drop it. _Drop it_. Gah! You can’t do that! Fine. Have it your way.

Gemini. Now’s the time to chase your dreams. Turn away from the past and follow your heart! Get rid of those things that you’ve been hoarding! Like those clothes, that food you have in the fridge, the car, the house, the money! Yeah! Get rid of all of it! Great job! Now get on out there, and chase your dreams! You are completely unburdened now!

Cancer. Hey. No. I’m over here! Hey! [snapping fingers] Listen! You’re- you’re in a mood where you just won’t- HEY! You just won’t listen to me today. Ugh. Fine. I’ll text you the details later.

This has been: Horoscopes.

Oh, hi! Listeners, I’m waving at one of the men who came with Thomas Sanders into town yesterday through the window of my booth. He’s not waving back. There’s an absurd amount of eyeshadow under his eyes. He’s keeping his hands in his purple patchwork hoodie, and he’s...he’s just standing there, watching me. He’s taking a seat, and he’s putting his feet up on the table. Young man! This is not your house! Put your feet down! Oh. He’s closing his eyes, and he’s just..he’s just sitting there, taking in the sound of my voice. Huh.

There’s another one of the Thomases entering. Or maybe he’s the original Thomas. He’s wearing a flower print shirt, and he’s tapping the hoodie Thomas on the shoulder. Hoodie Thomas is looking back at me, and I’m waving. He gave me a small wave back. And now he’s being led away by who I think is the original Thomas. Aww. He seems like a nice guy. Y’know. It’d be nice to see him around the station. He seems like he’d make a good intern.

Ooo! I got a text from-[ahem]. Well, I guess you all already know who. Aaaand it’s time for my lunch break.

Stay tuned next for the sound of a happy couple eating their food in the men’s bathroom while their cat floats in one spot four feet above the ground, purring as he eats with his five jaws.

Good night,

Night Vale.

Goodnight.


	4. 2B: Now Hiring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Due to a series of completely unrelated events, new job positions are opening all over Night Vale. The Sides are there, ready to step up to the task.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Spiders, Yelling, Accidental slap in the face, death discussion, murder mention, swearing, one-liner about having s3x with a monster, food mention
> 
> Word Count: 4048
> 
> A/N: Aha. I didn’t realize this is nearly double the length of the previous B Side. Sorry about that! The next ones will be shorter!

**[August 10, 2019]**

Thomas woke up to the sound of his phone alarm going off for the third time in the morning. He yawned and stretched, then rolled over in bed. Only it wasn’t his bed.

Wait.

Where was he again?

The room was unfamiliar, furnished with things he didn’t own. A closet with very little clothing inside of it stood across from him. The old ceiling fan rattled above Thomas, and the room smelled like damp earth and dust.

For several moments, he remained still, worrying about where he was, and how he ended up there. Then, he remembered. The drive. The desert. Night Vale.

“The Sides!” he yelped. Thomas quickly got out of bed and changed into the same shirt he had worn the day before. He bolted out of his room and knocked furiously on the bedroom door closest to him. It remained silent. 

“Patton? Roman?”

When he received no reply, he slowly opened the door and jumped. Roman and Patton were on the bed, fast asleep, both with very large spiders on top of their heads. The Sides didn’t stir as the creatures crept slowly towards their faces.

Thomas quietly sprinted over to the bedside and tried to remove the spiders from their faces. As he reached over their bodies, there was the sudden flash and click of a camera. Thomas swatted blindly at the spiders, accidentally slapping the Sides in the face in the process.

“Haghhh!!” Creativity sat up suddenly with a sword in his hands, looking left and right sluggishly. “What’s happening? Who dared to interrupt my beauty sleep?”

Morality rubbed his eyes, looking around for his glasses, and accidentally touching one of the flung spiders. “Ahhhh! Creepy crawly death dealer! Roman, save me!”

“It’s tiny! I’m going to chop the nightstand in half!” he shrieked. “Thomas!”

“I-I don’t-?”

“Will all of you just calm down?” said a voice from the doorway. Virgil calmly walked into the room and put the spiders into his hand. While everyone stood frozen in place, he walked over to the window and released them. “It’s just a couple of spiders.”

Patton sputtered, “B-b-but! Creepy crawly death dealers!”

“You’ll be fine, Patton. And sorry your beauty sleep was disturbed, Prince-y, but it’s 10 AM,” he said dryly to answer Roman’s glares. “We need to wake up and get some groceries.”

“And those new citizen’s packets,” said another voice from the door. Logan entered, looking at each of the Sides and Thomas. “It appears that overnight we did not return to your mind, Thomas. We are still just as real as we were yesterday.“

“And how do you know this?” Roman asked.

“Virgil and I were up all night talking to the Faceless Old Woman.”

“I thought she left!”

“Oh no, Patton. She is always here. In fact, I’m fairly certain that she was the one who put spiders on your faces, and had the camera set up to take your picture.”

“That bi-”

Thomas sighed. “Let’s just wake up Janus and Remus, and head out for groceries and some basic necessities.”

Roman turned. “Wait, what? Why would we need that kind of stuff when we could just summon- wait.” He raised his arm, in hopes that an object would materialize like it would back when he was just a figment of Thomas’ imagination. But nothing appeared in his hand.

So, he tried again.

And again.

He snapped his fingers and waved his arms around to try and change his clothing.

He stood on the ground and tried to sink out.

But he remained in the bedroom, with the same prince outfit he fell asleep in, and the same emptiness in his hands.

“Oh, so I get to keep my sword when I materialize in the real world, but I don’t get to materialize other stuff. Wow. Thanks, weird, creepy, Halloween Town.” He sat on the bed and pouted while Patton gently rubbed his back.

“If you guys really are stuck hanging in real life, then you’re gonna need some basic stuff,” Thomas explained. “Toothbrushes, toothpaste, soap, clothes. You’ll probably have to get jobs too. I should probably get some toothbrushes for you guys before we head out.”

“The only problem with  _ that _ idea, Thomas,” Logan commented, “Is that  _ we _ have to present as to maintain appearances. Remember? Standing in a single file line?”

“Oh, geez.” Thomas groaned and sat on the bed next to Roman and Patton. “Why is keeping secrets so hard and confusing? It was so much easier figuring stuff out when I could just stand in the living room and talk things out with you in my head. It’s not that I don’t like having you here, I really do. But this is  _ really _ annoying.”

Logan straightened his tie. “We’ll simply have to make do. Besides, it’s only for less than an hour. We can get the necessities then come home to brush our teeths.

“I would like to add that due to our previous status of existing solely in Thomas’ mind, we have to make sure that we contribute our part to help us all live together in this house. That means that we need to find small jobs, gain work experience, and make a living. Surely there must be some open positions in town.”

“There certainly are. I was listening to the radio this morning.” Everyone jumped as Janus joined Logan in the doorway. “There are several positions around town that would fit several of us fairly well. Given his previous expertise in running the tech backstage in the Theatre, I figure that Virgil would do well in an internship at the Community Radio Station.”

“That was a one time thing! Working on live radio, with an entire town listening to someone talk, while I do radio stuff is different!”

“I can’t be so hard. Sure the mortality rates leave some questions as to what really goes on at the station and this town in general, but I’m sure your...natural instincts will help you.”

“‘ _ Mortality rate? _ ’ I don’t want to die!” Virgil yelled. “We don’t know if we can get really hurt or killed in the real world yet, or if we have some immunity since we’re literal parts of Thomas.”

“Yes, yes I’m totally listening to you right now. Logan will figure that all out. You see, the scientist we met yesterday, Carlos, is looking for someone to join his team of scientists for a few projects relating to the repairal of time in Night Vale. He said that all you have to do is go to the science district, prove you are a scientist by doing the secret scientist dance, then you’re in. Logan will be most fit for that job, as he is quite literally Logic.

As for Roman.” Creativity faced the wall away from the door. “I know you and I are in a rough spot after the whole...wedding debacle. But, auditions are being held for Little Shop of Horrors. It may take your mind off of things.”

“I heard about that already, and I’m not interested,” Roman retorted. “It’s not a historical documentary and it’s not related to the hip-hop or rap genres. They’re making it sound like it’s Hamilton which it’s not! It’s Little Shop of Horrors! Besides, you’re just trying to flatter me into forgetting about everything!”

“It’s still an audition, Roman,” Janus said quietly. “Would you rather sit here doing nothing and feeling sorry for yourself, or would you rather actively be on stage performing a new and potentially interesting rendition of a classic?”

Roman was silent. He continued to stare at the wall, turning the options over in his mind. He then turned, still angry and upset, but to a somewhat less degree. “Fine. I’ll audition. And what about you, Snake Boy. What are you going to be up to?”

“Well,” Deceit said as he tugged on his gloves. “I was planning on a visit to the zoo.”

“I’m sorry, what?!” Virgil hopped off the night stand and approached Janus. “I’m going to walking into almost certain death, Logan is going to be working for a probably crazy scientist, and Roman is going to audition for a musical that, from the looks of this town, will end in his  _ actual _ death or worse, the complete destruction of his ego, and  _ you’re _ going to the  _ zoo _ ?! What about Patton and Remus? What are they going to do, huh?”

Janus recoiled from Virgil’s intense glare, but continued slowly. “I’m planning on seeing the exhibit of double-headed snakes. While I’m there, I’ll be seeing if I can...negotiate my way into a job there.”

“Please tell me you aren’t going to push someone down a flight of stairs,” Thomas groaned, “I don’t want to be framed for murder.”

“Oh, don’t worry Thomas. If I were, I would  _ certainly _ cover up my footsteps.”

“Not helping.”

“Baby steps.”

“We’ve gone over this a million times since April. I’m  _ not _ pushing someone down a flight of stairs.”

“Morning, fuckers. Who are we pushing down a flight of stairs today?”

Virgil and Roman simultaneously groaned. The former hissed as Remus inched closer to him and Roman pulled up his sword.

“No one yet Remus,” Janus said calmly. “We’re assigning potential jobs to everyone. As for you, well. I’m sure that the mysterious horrors of this town would love to get to know you.”

Virgil and Remus’ interests were both suddenly piqued. “Like, cryptids?” Virgil asked. “Like,  _ actual _ real life cryptids? Ones that we can ta-”

“Alright y’all get in the car! I’mma fuck a monster!” Remus started to bolt out of the room, but Janus quickly grabbed the back of his green sash and pulled him back in. He clawed at the other Side and snarled. Seeing Janus’ adamant face, however, he simply whined and stamped his foot, not unlike a child whose parents refused to buy them candy, “Dee, come on!”

Janus turned dramatically, his hat low over his face and his capelet swooshing behind him. With none of this dramatic flair, he simply said, “No.

“Patton, Patton, Patton,” Janus said slowly, “This was very difficult to work out, but I’ve decided that you would do best on the Parent Teacher Association.”

Patton stood up now, holding his hands out, “Slow your roll there, Janus. First of all, while I consider all of you my kiddos, I don’t really think the PTA will approve. Secondly, while I really do appreciate how you’ve thought of each of us and tried to find jobs for us all, don’t you think it’s a little...wrong for you to take charge here and get us all jobs that we  _ may _ not want? Like, um, what if Virgil wants to work at a hot dog stand?”

“A what?”

“O-or what if Roman wanted to open a flower shop?”

“Patt, we’re in the middle of the desert.”

“What if Logan wanted to become a librarian?”

“I’d recommend against that,” a new voice said quietly. Everyone jumped, startled. “Yes, yes. I’m still here, get over yourselves. Do you honestly think you can have total privacy within your home?”

“I mean it  _ is _ our house,” Thomas whispered

“My name is  _ literally _ The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home. You can’t strip me of my title. Oh, and you two. Patton. Roman. The ones who look like they’re covering up the facts that they are very sensitive souls who’ve recently gone through a midlife crisis. I planted the bugs on your faces. It was for a photo collection I’ll be revealing in everyone’s homes this Wednesday.”

“What were you saying about librarians?” Logan quickly asked. “Why shouldn’t I become one?”

“Logan, everyone knows that librarians are extremely malevolent and dangerous creatures that should not be trifled with. Few have entered and come out alive, and if they did, they come out bleeding, missing a few limbs, or without the book they wanted to get because it was already checked out.”

Logic sputtered incoherently. “That doesn’t- that- that doesn’t make sense. Don’t you-you know what? No. I’m not going to question it.” With a resigned look on his face, he walked away, the stairs creaking beneath his feet as he walked down.

“Well, I'd best be off. And remember:  _ do not enter the library _ .” The Faceless Old Woman’s presence vanished, leaving the room slightly emptier.

“Allow to quickly wrap up my statement,” Janus said. He turned to Remus. “There are many different creatures that I believe you would be interested in meeting. You certainly aren’t  _ that  _ dangerous to be in a work environment. I just think you’d be best off, eh, pursuing your interests.”

“So I do get to fuck a monster?”

“No, no you do not.”

Logan’s voice called up from the kitchen, “Everyone? Can you come down here please? There’s something I think you all need to see”

-

The Sides and Thomas gathered around the kitchen table. There were two microphones.

“I found this one one top of the fridge, and this one stowed away in the microwave,” Logan explained.

Virgil took the microphones and hissed, “Shhh! We’re being listened to?”

“By who?” Thomas asked.

“The agents from a vague, but menacing government agency.”

“Gahh! You’ve gotta stop sneaking up on us!”

The Faceless Old Woman clung to the ceiling, not that anyone saw her. “It’s a part of my title. I  _ secretly _ live in your home.”

“So we aren’t even safe in our own home? We can’t keep this secret?” Patton asked.

Thomas sighed, running his hands through his hair. “I guess not. We don’t know  _ what _ this government agency wants or does with this information, but we may as well just share it publicly and admit that there’s something weird going on here.”

“Are you sure?” Virgil and Janus asked. They eyed each other, the latter smug and the former suspicious.

“Yes. It’s what we have to do.”

There was a quick ding from Thomas’ pocket. “Sorry! That...was my phone.” He pulled the device out and saw a text from a number he didn’t recognize. “Weird. I don’t remember giving anyone my number. It’s from...someone. Someone who wants me over for a dinner party.”

“Awww! You’re already getting invited over for events, Thomas!” Patton giggled. “You’re making friends!”

“Patt, we haven’t given  _ anyone _ our number yet.” Virgil began pacing back and forth, holding the microphones in his hand. He looked down at them, turning both over in his hands repeatedly, before he suddenly threw them to the ground. Everyone jumped, including Virgil, who didn’t expect the noise to be so loud. But he raised a foot and stomped on the devices, again and again until it was in pieces. “We need to find all of these and destroy them. And cameras too, if there are any. There’s no doubt that there’s something fishy going on around her. Double and, we are not going to that dinner party. You don’t even know who sent it.”

“Oh I got another text! Apparently this is Carlos, the scientist we met yesterday!”

“He seemed like a jolly good fellow,” Roman said. “Save his number, and say yes!”

“Ask him how he got your number.”

“He just told me, logan! Apparently there’s a lot of computer sciency stuff he did and some government records he used since he knows a former radio intern who used to be mayor and a teenage girl who leads a teenage militia and is on the City Council and wow this text is very long and confusing.”

Patton nervously turned the offer of a dinner party over in his head. “We should go! You can’t say no to someone who helped you yesterday!”

“But we know nothing about this guy!” Virgil protested. “We just know he’s married to the radio show host, he’s a scientist,  _ and  _ he’s looking for people to join his probably crazy science team!”

“We’re going, Virgil.”

“What?!”

Thomas looked down at the table, gripping the edges tightly. “We might get some answers. I mean, he’s a scientist, right? He’s bound to know about the crazy stuff here. We’re going.”

“Thomas.”

“Yes, purp man?”

“Let’s hope we don’t regret this.”

“I know we won’t.” Thomas released his grip on the table. “Now let’s get in the car! You guys have got jobs to look for!” The group had mostly exited the house, before Thomas quickly added, “Oh, and Janus? By any chance did you find a job for me?”

Janus stood in the doorway, and looked over at Thomas, quirking an eyebrow. “I’d assume you’d continue to make videos.”

“I mean, I don’t have my friends to help, and I didn’t pack a laptop, camara or anything. I could film on my phone, but I can’t edit a full video of reasonable length on it!“

“Did you consider calling your team, or sending an email?” Logan asked from the porch. “You have your phone.”

“Yeah, but everytime I try to call, text, or email someone, the phone gets so hot it feels like it’s burning my skin! I think it’s a part of this town!”

“No new messages from anyone?”

“None.”

“Hmmm. Peculiar.” Logan straightened his tie. “Let’s get in the car. I’m sure we can find a job for you.”

“No.” Logan turned to Janus. “We are letting Thomas rest. He drove us to this town, and he deserves a break.” Janus looked at Thomas, then back at Logan. “We all will take care of him.”

“I suppose so. Who knows? Perhaps us exerting energy will draw from Thomas’ own.” The car honked, a sustained note that shook the ground. “Ah, Remus is calling. Let’s go.”

The group drove around town all day, no longer concerned about walking in a single file line as they exited the car and walked to front desks. They tried explaining their situation to the citizens of Night Vale, but they merely shrugged and asked if the Side applying had a resume.

“Previous work experience?” asked a zookeeper gnawing on an animal leg.

“I have half of a snake face. The animals will love me.”

“Do you have any children who attend one of our public schools?” asked a compassionate looking man, who offered scones.

“Everyone is a child at heart! So, yes! I do have kids! It’s just that they’re all thirty years old!”

“Any special skills?” asked an angel named Erika, with their tall black wings.

“I can sing, I can sort of dance, and I am your gayest Disney prince!”

“How did you hear about this position?” asked a piece of paper slipped from under a doorway.

“Listen, I  _ never _ wanted to apply for this, and you announced this on. The . Frickin’. Radio!”

And each and every one of the interviews ended with:

“Sorry, but you need to prove that you legally exist.”

Each time, the Sides grew more and more disheartened. Remus continued asking Thomas to make stops so that he could talk to a group of people huddled on the lot behind the Ralphs, or try talking to a hooded figure in a dog park, but no one acknowledged him.

At last, the sun was setting, and they had one final stop to make. “This is it. This is supposed to be Carlos’ lab.” Thomas parked on the side of the road, and they group exited the car one last time.

Logan went to open the door, and stumbled backwards as a man exited the building. “Sorry, we’re closed for toni--” Then the man met eyes with Logan. Carlos pointed quickly and excitedly at him. “You’re one of the Thomases. Thomasai? Thomase? You’re one of them!” He then noticed the other six men. “Thomas! Thomas! You aren’t in a single file line! Can you see them now? Why are you here? Oh! You’re still coming to Cecil and I’s place tomorrow, right?”

“Of course!” Thomas said. He sighed. “And to tell the truth, I was always able to see them. We just thought it was weird and would raise suspicion and we just wanted to avoid conflict. I’m sorry for lying to you.”

“Oh no that’s fine!”

“It is?”

“Yeah! I came from outside of town too, y’know. And, after 7, 8 years of living here, you get used to it. And trust me, everyone here has seen  _ far _ stranger things.” Carlos opened the door. “Why don’t you guys come on in, so we can chat!”

Thomas and the Sides said their thanks in varying levels of confusion. Carlos led them past glowing beakers and test tubes, green and sticky substances, and stacks of paper. The ceilings were high, and various, seemingly random objects were carefully placed on lab benches. “It’s rather cluttered in here,” Logan commented. “Do you keep a system?”

“Nope! You just have to navigate your way around. Ooo! The microwave is beeping!” The scientist rushed over to a table, where a machine that was certainly not a microwave was making beeping noises. He quickly started jotting down notes onto his calculator. Wait.

“You’re taking notes on a calculator?”

“Yup! Pencils and pens are banned in Night Vale! Plus, you’re required to have a permit to use a computer for certain jobs and yeah! Oh! I’m so sorry! I didn’t ask for your names!”

“Logan.”

“Roman!”

“Patton’s the name, and baking cake is  _ not _ my game!”

“Virgil…”

“Remus!”

“Janus.”

“It’s absolutely great to meet you all! Um, is there a reason as to why you look like Thomas?”

“We embody certain aspects of Thomas. I, for example, represent Logic. Roman is Creativity, Patton Morality, Virgil Anxiety, Remus is Intrusive Thoughts, and Janus is Deceit.”

Carlos sat down backwards on a chair, his eyes wide with amazement. “Wow...So, what brings you all here today?”

“Logan would like to join your team of scientists,” Janus said quietly.

Carlos pointed at Janus, looking between the other Sides and Thomas. “Is he-is he lying? I don’t know if he’s lying or not. I mean, I’d love to have you on our team, Logan! But, do you want to?”

“Janus doesn’t always lie,” Patton chirped up. “He can be honest sometimes!”

“I want what’s best for all of us, and it would be in your best interests to hire Logan.”

Thomas scooched over and leaning next to Janus, whispered, “We are  _ not _ pushing him down a flight of stairs!”

“Calm down, very gay man.” Janus looked directly at Carlos in the eye, and addressed him, “I will not be pushing you down a flight of stairs. It would simply be in your best interests, as Logan embodies Thomas’ Logic. He simply  _ is _ Logic.”

“I can conduct an interview with him, sure!” The scientist put his head on the back of the chair. “But are you guys legally existing yet? I know it’s a stupid question, but I just don’t want us to get in trouble.”

“We haven’t proven our existence, no.”

Carlos sighed, spinning around in his chair before planting his feet on the ground. “Sorry. I can’t conduct an interview with you, until I know whether or not it’s okay to acknowledge your existence. I know,” he said at the shocked looks on the others’ faces, “It’s kind of a stupid thing. But you never know what can get you in trouble. Buuut (and don’t let anyone know this), but I think you exist. We just have to prove it, and I think I know just the people who can help! Cecil, my husband and the radio show host you met yesterday, has a brother-in-law named Steve Carlsburg. A while ago, he was able to help prove the existence of angels and made it so that we could all acknowledge their existence!”

“Steve Carlsburg?” Patton’s face lit up. “I remember him! He was the one who interviewed me for the spot on the PTA!”

“You’ve already met him? That’s great! Listen. All of you guys are coming over to Cecil and I’s house tomorrow. We’ll be having a dinner party with Steve, his wife Abbey, and his step-daughter Janice. When you guys get there, we’re going to properly introduce you all, and then we’re going to get to work. Got it?”

The Sides and Thomas all nodded in agreement, and the scientist smiled warmly. “Great! I can’t wait to see you all tomorrow night!”


	5. A/N: Brief Update

First of all, I want to say thank you for supporting this little crossover. It means so much to me to get to read your comments and see you guys enjoy this! I get so happy reading about the little bits you enjoy and the support you give. It honestly makes my day.

On a more serious note (but not really), I have finals coming up in two weeks. I've been trying to write chapter three, develop this AU, learn new material for school, and prepare for finals (along with some unrelated, but also pretty important stuff), but it just isn't working out for me. BUT, I'm not giving up on this story. I love WTNV and TS Sides with all my heart and this AU is my child. I know this just started, but I want to be able to write chapters that are of the best quality I can write and it just isn't working out right now.

So, tldr; the next chapter will be pushed back another week so that I can focus on my finals, and will be posted on June 26. After that, chapters should be coming out weekly as usual. Again, thank you so much for your support, and I'll see you back here in a couple of weeks!

Take it easy guys, gals, and non-binary pals. Goodnight!


	6. 3A: Dinner Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dinner party at the The-Scientist-Gershwin-Palmer household. Carlos and Cecil try to prepare for the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Existentialism, Giant Food, Chainsaws, Cat mention, Claustrophobia, shouting [caps]
> 
> Word Count: 1747
> 
> A/N: Sorry for the late chapter! I underestimated the true power of final exams, and I needed a bit more time than I thought to recover and write this chapter. Given my schedule for this summer and my mental health, uploads will be changed to be every other Friday. The next upload should come on July 16th! Once again, sorry for the wait! And now-the preparations for the dinner party!

**[August 11, 2019]**

_ Food tastes the best, when you’re with family. Just let them eat it all for you. You will taste  _ right  _ through them. But don’t eat grandma’s apple pie. You don’t quite like that. _

_ Welcome to Night Vale _

**CECIL:** Today’s the day listeners! Carlos and I are holding our dinner party at our apartment! Oh! I’m so excited. It’s been a while since we’ve had an actual dinner with Abbey, Janice, and Steve! We’ve bought all the groceries we need, and we put out the nice tablecloth. We couldn’t find all the utensils we needed like the salad fork, the salad spoon, the bowie knife, or the desert claws, but I’m sure we can manage with what we have at home.

There have been..concerns around town about the legal status of aspects to different facets of ourselves. I have seen comments from concerned citizens saying that we don’t even know if we exist! We could just be living in someone else’s dreams, or in an elaborate life simulation game,  _ or _ we could be the main characters of a television show, trapped in a perfect little town, and everyone else is merely an extra! Who’s to say that these ‘Sides’ are even ours? Are they truly us? Or are they what society had crafted us to be?

Others have very strongly stated that we are real people and our Sides are just as real as we are. “If they aren’t real, then what’s going on up in our head?” Personally, I don’t really know what my body is for, other than carrying my head from room to room. Anyways, I’ve been getting many calls, faxes, and emails about this matter, and I’d like to address them clearly.

[ahem]

We know we exist because the government tells us so. We aren’t quite sure if the stuff inside our head exists, but sure as heck know that  _ we _ do. Why would the government acknowledge our existence if we weren’t real! Well, now that  _ that _ was cleared out of the way, let’s move onto today’s reports.

John Peters, y’know, the farmer has sent in some reports about the incredibly large crops this year. “I didn’t even grow some of these!” he said. “Some of it just grew from what I’ve got in my kitchen!” He sent some photos over to the station and um, mmhmm. Yeah. Yup. They sure are big. He held a small auction this morning, but seeing as more of his food is growing at alarming rates, he will be holding another later today at the Ralphs. More information on this story, later.

And now for a brief segment from  _ Hey There, Cecil _ .

“Hey there, Cecil. I’m trying to get cooking for a dinner party with my in-laws and a few new friends, but I’ve fallen into a pickle. Like, a literal pickle. I left the kitchen to go check up on my dog, but when I returned there was pickle juice everywhere. Then, I slipped and fell into a giant, hollow pickle that I bought early today. It closed up around me, and now it really smells in here and pickle juice is getting all over my cooking lab coat. I mean, it should be fine; pickles are food. But my husband got this lab coat and it’s really nice. Plus, the apartment probably really smells and my dog won’t like it, and I’ve got guests coming over and this is really just a mess. I’m really hoping this message makes it to you in the station. Can you send help? Sincerely, Stuck in A Pickle.”

Well Stuck, that certainly seems like a pickle. I’ll send one of our interns to your apartment, along with several cans of aerosol spray and a chainsaw to get you out. Best of luck, and have fun at the dinner party! [low voice, closer to microphone] Also be really careful when spraying the house. We don’t want it to smell too strongly tonight when we have guests over. And make sure Auby and...everything else in the house is okay when you get out.

“Hey there, Cecil. I consume a lot of media. I’m not that picky. I like art, music, books, and the news. But my child doesn’t like it. They don’t eat any of the paintings or sculptures I give them, and just hang them up on the wall. They don’t rip out each page one by one, lightly toasting them and eating them. They read a few of the books I give them and throw the rest away. And the news, oh the news! They just love avidly reading blog posts. I tell them that they can’t possibly eat a blog post, and they tell me that eating paper isn’t healthy. I asked them where they learned this, and they said it was from a blog post!  _ A blog post! _ What can I do to get my child to eat different foods? From, Picky Eater’s Parent.”

I think that you should ease up on your child, Picky Eater’s Parent. As long as they are keeping a proper diet with some special treats every so often, then they should be fine. Maybe you two could consider trying some of their favorite foods while they consume what you enjoy eating! Have them try a few pages of Melville while you taste peanut brittle. It’s okay for you and your child to like different things and have different opinions!

“Hey there Cecil. You know that Thomas is. We’re a part of Thomas. We exist. We’re real. You have to-”

[beat]

Listeners, I’m afraid we’ll have to put this message on hold. This just in: foods purchased from John Peters, y’know, the farmer I was just talking about minutes ago have begun to consume people and objects in their surroundings like some sort of reversed food chain. Oh dear. So this is what Stuck was referring to.  **_Do not purchase anything from John Peters._ ** It is  _ essential _ that you buy your food from another seller. The only food that appears not to have grown to develop an insatiable hunger for the people around them is John Peter’s imaginary corn, so buy that instead. John Peters is currently trying to round up all of the food he has sold, but is considering it difficult to contact those who purchased food from him as most of those who purchased products from him do not have access to their cellular devices and messenger bricks. More on this developing story later.

And now: a word from our sponsors.

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This week’s Citizen Spotlight is-wait. This has  _ got _ to be a mistake. [shuffling through papers] I thought I-  **_Ugh._ ** You have  _ got _ to be kidding me. [ahem] Well. For this week’s Citizen Spotlight, we’ll be talking about [gritted through teeth] Susan Wilman. Susan is a member of the Night Vale Parent Teacher Association. She insulted Josh Crayton once, and she has a cat that is probably named Dumpster. Ugh.  _ Susan Wilman _ . There. Done. Not touching these papers again. No more Citizen Spotlight for you,  _ Susan Wilman. _

In other news, people have resorted to eating their way out of the giant foods that have consumed them, although this may be difficult considering how more and more objects are being consumed by the growing foods, no doubt restricting the space they have inside of the food. [distant crash] Oh. Um. It appears that- Oh. Hi! Listeners, Intern Adam is here and he-oh. Oh! It appears that someone decided to bring the apple they bought from John Peters today in for a snack at work and now [crash] Oh no. Intern Adam was just consumed by an apple, and it’s rolling itself closer to my studio. Uhhh, stay back! Get away you foul tart rounded beast! [clattering]

[nervously] Oh dear. This isn’t good, listeners. I’m hiding under my desk, hoping that the apple won’t crash through the wall and consume me. I don’t know what to do. I can hear it rolling, back and forth in the other room, similar to a runner who runs in small circles before running away from their race. It’s low rumblings are shaking my desk, and I don’t know what to do except-

[loud sound of a chainsaw, roaring and slicing before coming to a halt]

[timidly] Hello?  _ Hello? _ Listeners, the ground has stopped rumbling, and... John Peters! He’s standing outside my window, supporting Intern Adam, who has appeared to have passed out. Hopefully. John has a chainsaw, and he’s smiling proudly. Behind him are the remains of the apple, cut into large slices, the skin cut off, no longer moving. Wow. Thanks, John! Looks like it’ll make a great snack for everyone here at the station! He’s writing something, and he’s mouthing something. What? Huh? Oh cool! Well listeners, I’m happy to announce that John Peters has completely destroyed all of the giant food products throughout Night Vale! We’ll just have to dispose of them all. Eat them? Well, I suppose that we’ll figure that out later. Maybe I can get some for tonight’s dinner party. Hm.

Oh, and John? Yeah, John! Is Carlos alright? He’s fim? He’s my? Oh he’s  _ fine _ ! Thank you, so much John! Oh? And the apartment smells? Well, I figured as much.

This was certainly another day. [excitedly] I can’t wait to get home and see Carlos. I’m going to make my pasta, and he’ll make our croissants, and Abby will bring over her roast pot, and Steve is gonna be there, and I just can’t  _ wait  _ to see Janice! And I’m getting a call from Carlos now! Okay then! I’m gonna make this fast. [ahem]

Stay tuned next for the first episode of our new show  _ Things that You Think You See in Your Closet at Night that You’ve Convinced Yourself Aren’t There, Even Though They Actually Are.  _ And as always:

Good night,

Night Vale.

Goodnight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I don’t even know what happened in this chapter.


	7. 3B: Dinner Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dinner party at the The-Scientist-Gershwin-Palmer household. Thomas and the Sides figure out how to prove their existence with Steve and Carlos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Food, Puppy (Aubergine!), Circular Saw, Knife,,  
> Word Count: 2734

**[August 11, 2019]**

The previous night, no one slept. Thomas tossed and turned, as Virgil paced around the house. Janus sat on a creaky wooden rocking chair, watching as Remus starfished his way across the bed and onto the floor, and listening to the radio he brought up to their room. Roman sat at a desk, furiously writing about the injustices they faced that day regarding their legal existence; and Patton sat on the bed, staring at the floor. Only Logan was putting his energy into something he enjoyed: organizing and planning.

He organized the groceries in the fridge and the cabinets.

He washed their new pots, pans, dishes, bowls and kitchen utensils.

He stowed away their new toothbrushes and the extra toothpaste, floss, mouthwash, and soap.

He washed and folded their new clothes.

And at last, he sat down at the kitchen table with several planners. He made schedules and other potential job opportunities. He made sleep charts and meal plans. He made grocery and to-do lists, and he made a small chore chart to be hung in the kitchen. The fluorescent kitchen light flickered occasionally, and a shadow was sometimes cast over his work as the Faceless Old Woman looked over his shoulder from her spot on the ceiling.

At last the morning came, and then the afternoon, and then the evening, and then the night.

Thomas changed into a simple white dress shirt, fumbling with his tie in the bathroom mirror. After a few minutes of wrestling with the fabric, he straightened himself out (as straight as he could be, anyways) and began to comb through his hair with his fingers, ruffling it up, then smoothing it down, then ruffling it again. He combed it in front of his face, then to the side, then the tips of his fingers went through his head.

“Gaah! Geez!”

He shuddered at the sensation, a chill sent up his spine then quickly fading away. Turning his hand front to back in front of him, he saw nothing different. He rubbed his eyes. Nothing different. “I imagined that,” he quietly reassured himself. “That was just a creepy sensation. Just a part of this town. My hands are solid and real and right in front of me.”

A sharp rap at the door pulled him away from his thoughts. “Kiddo, are you alright in there? Logan says that we might be late if we don’t leave now!’”

Thomas took a deep breath, firmly holding onto the edge of the sink. “I’m fine, Patton. I’ll be out in a sec.” He took another deep breath, and looked at his hands once more before shoving them in his pockets as he walked out the door.

The Sides had already changed their clothes for the dinner party. Some made small changes (like Virgil, who hung his sweatshirt on the old coat stand and changed his shirt to have no hole), while others made drastic changes to their appearance (like Roman, who wore a knee length red dress and shakilly done mascara, his lips tinged with the light shimmer of lip gloss).

The gang got in the car, and drove to Carlos and Cecil’s apartment building. They opened doors and walked up stairs. They found no more doors, and got confused. They walked down more stairs. Then they got even more lost, walking up and down stairwells in confusion and worry. It was Roman who cracked first, and kicked at a wall in frustration. Much to his and everyone else’s surprise, he found himself stumbling forward to a place beyond the wall. Remus dove through the wall after him, cackling with glee.

“Oh my Harry freakin Potter,” Patton gasped. “It’s platform 9 and 3/4.”

The rest followed the twins in, and found themselves in a normal hallway, with a door behind them, from where they entered. They walked up to the door with the address Carlos had given them, and Thomas knocked on the door.

Carlos opened the door, smiling in a slightly stained lab coat. “Hey guys! Come on in! Steve, Abby, and Janice are already here! And please, don’t mind the smell! I was in a bit of a pickle today while cooking dinner.”

“That’s okay! We’re so sorry that we’re late!” Thomas entered the apartment leading the Sides in with a smile on his face. “It took us a while to find your flo-” There was a slightly overwhelming smell of pickles mixed with aerosol spray. A small puppy barked as the gang entered, some covering their noses, others (read: Remus) aggressively inhaling the air.

“Is that..pickles?” Virgil asked, scrunching up his nose. He slightly recoiled as a dark purple puppy happily bounded towards him.

“Like I said, I was in a bit of a pickle today.”

Roman and Patton crouched down, the latter laughing as he held the puppy in his arms. He looked up at Carlos, excitedly giggling, “You have a puppy, and he’s  _ purple?! _ ”

Carlos crouched down with him. “Yup! This is Aubergine! Cecil and I adopted Auby one morning back in May!”

“But why the name Aubergine?” Logan asked skeptically.

“He’s purple and European, and we love him very much!” Cecil was putting dishes of food onto a long foldable table. “I consider myself a cat person, but I have Khoshekh at the station, and Carlos asked me one morning and we just adopted Auby! Now why don’t you all get seated. We’re having gluten-free pasta, and Carlos made croissants! Steve! Abby! Janice! You can come in and sit down at the table! We want to introduce you to our family!”

Steve Carlsberg entered, recognition dawning on his face as he walked over to shake Patton’s hand. None of the gang recognized the teenage girl seated in a wheelchair and woman carrying a young toddler, though Logan noted to himself how similar the woman looked to Cecil.

“Thomas and Sides, this is my sister Abby and my niece Janice,” Cecil introduced. “Abby and Janice, this is Thomas Sanders and his Sides. Oh, and this is Esteban, Carlos and I’s son! Why don’t we all get seated and discuss why we’re all here.”

There was an odd assortment of utensils on the table that seemed far too excessive for a simple plate of pasta, although, perhaps they were required for the large blackened dutch oven that sat on the table. A plate of ingredients that appeared to be everything needed for croissants (except the flour) sat on the table untouched. The family talked to each other animatedly, and Thomas and the Sides ate their gluten-free pasta while joining in on the conversation.

“Here Thomas,” Cecil said, as he stood up and walked to the other side of the table with a circular saw. Thomas’ eyes widened, and he attempted to put as much distance as he could between him and the Voice, who leaned over his shoulder and carefully cut into the pot. Cecil quickly grabbed the section of the blackened pot with his bare hands and set it on Thomas’ plate, the former holding onto Virgil’s arm next to him for dear life. “Try Abby’s roast pot. It’s really good!”

Logic frowned. “I believe you’re referring to pot roast. You could simply put the food inside of the pot on Thomas’ plate.”

“What food inside of the pot?” Abby asked, crossing her arms. “The pot is the roast. And this is some of the best roast pot I’ve made in a long time.”

“Ah, our apologies,” Janus said quickly. “I believe that we are  _ all _ still adjusting to this... _ intriguing  _ town of yours.” The Sides and Thomas quickly nodded and muttered the agreements as Abby sighed.

“It’s fine.” With a bowie knife in her hand, she cut into the piece of roasted pot on her plate, quickly swallowing it. “So what brings you to Night Vale?”

Thomas and his Sides quickly looked around at each other, before Thomas said, “I just had a feeling in my gut that we had to go.”

“Guts do that.” Remus snickered.

“So Cecil,” Roman quickly interrupted, twirling a forkful of a piece of pot roast between his fingers. “That’s some  _ really  _ interesting fashion sense you’ve got there. Tell me, where  _ do _ you get ideas for such bold statements.”

The table turned to their own discussions. Cecil talked about where he got his clothes and how some common places to get them in Night Vale, while Roman took mental notes on Cecil’s...interesting fashion sense. Steve, Logan, and Virgil spoke animatedly about time. Then, their conversation quickly turned to how Janus had half of a snake’s face and the spelling of his name compared to Janice’s. Meanwhile, Abby, Janice, and Janus discussed the education system in Night Vale. Carlos sliced a strawberry the size of a basketball in order to feed them to a giggling Esteban, who laughed merrily as Patton made jokes and Remus played a game of “Boo!”

And Thomas sat, quietly eating his pasta and thinking. He caught Logan’s gaze, the latter raising an eyebrow before realizing what he wanted to say. “I believe that we should discuss the reason we are gathered here today Steve.”

The table went silent as everyone turned to Steve, whose face was suddenly serious. “Yeah?”

“How did you go about legalizing the existence of angels? I believe that Roman met some when he went to audition for Little Shop of Horrors, but do they really exist?”

Cecil sputtered incoherently from the other end of the table. “Uh, ‘do angels really exist’? Of course they exist! They’re tall and winged and are all named Erika with a ‘k!’ They’re always people around town asking for ten bucks!”

“If you’re concerned about them being legal or not, you don’t have to worry!” Carlos explained. “It is  _ completely _ legal to do so. So Steve, the legalization of the existence of angels?”

“Right!” Steve cried out. “There was this entire hearing with the angels about their legal existence status a couple of years ago. There was this whole debacle after one of their closest friends, Old Woman Josie-”

“Don’t say it,” Cecil said quietly, but the table all knew what Steve meant.

“Oh. Okay. Well, they had protested for a few months about their existence, then there was this hearing in the Hall of Public Records, and then I gave a big fancy speech about them existing, and then it was legal to acknowledge them and people did!”

“And how long did this all take?” Logan asked, using the softened butter from the croissant tray to write notes on his napkin as he remembered not to use any writing utensils.

Steve shrugged, “Oh about three, maybe four months.”

“But we need jobs!” Virgil cried out. “We can’t just sit around doing absolutely nothing!”

“To be fair, it would’ve been over much more quickly if there wasn’t the trial of Hiram McDaniels.” Abby fed another strawberry to Esteban. “The angels originally filed a request for a hearing back in May, and the hearing of the angels was supposed to have been in late April or late 2023, but it was pushed all the way back to June because of Hiram.”

“So as long as there aren’t any big cases that could disrupt your plans, you could get through in about a month!” Janice explained.

“But we want to do something about this now.” Roman frowned, thinking. “How could we go around making this go faster?”

Carlos sighed. “The best way is to just file for a hearing as soon as possible. You could try and make some noise about it.”

“I’ve already gotten many calls about the existence of ‘Sides’ to the station. I could try and raise more awareness on the radio. It seemed to help the public opinion of all of the Erikas.”

“I could talk to some of the other PTA members during the Bake Sale tomorrow!”

“I can talk to the kids on my basketball team about it! People underestimate us ‘kids’, but we can make so many changes! I mean, look at Tamika Flynn’s Teen Militia!”

The waves of support washed over the Thomas and the Side. Carlos looked at the clock on the wall and stood up from the table. “It’s getting late. I think it’s about time we wrapped this up.” He picked up Esteban, and smiled. “Steve, do you think you could think about another statement to make for the Sides?”

“Of course!”

Cecil stood up to stand next to Carlos, and turned to the table. “I have the night show tomorrow, and we can go make a request together tomorrow! Does that sound good with you?”

General words of agreement.

“Well, I guess that’s our plan then.”

-

“Glasses Sides?”

“That’s Patton and Logan.”

“Oh, okay. Patton? Logan? Can we talk to you two for a minute?”

They stood in the silent, as Carlos continued to hold a now sleeping Esteban. Cecil put a protective arm around Carlos. “We noticed how much Esteban liked you, and well...green man doesn’t seem like the right fit.”

“Patton, we were wondering if you’d be willing to be our babysitter for Esteban,” Carlos continued. “It’s been hard to find one that sticks. We’ve been cycling through a lot of our friends and family, but we want someone permanent, or will at least stick around for a while. We’re both so busy with work and we want to spend more time together. Would you be okay with babysitting every so often?”

Patton frowned, biting his lip. “But what about my legal existence? Won’t we get in trouble for going against the law?”

“And what about your sister, Abby?” Logan asked. “Is she unable to babysit Esteban?”

Carlos and Cecil looked at each other. “Well, Abby and I aren’t very close,” Cecil explained. “A lot happened in our past, but I’m hoping these dinners help us. But Carlos,” he said, turning to his husband, “He has a good point, love.”.

“I mean, it should be fine. It’s not like we’re acknowledging you existing. We’re just…letting you in the apartment while we leave him at home. Like, um, we’re leaving him home alone!”

“That doesn’t sound...right, kiddo.”

“Yeah, no, sorry, that came out wrong. But, it’s not a secret that you’re around. We can give the money we’d be paying you to Thomas, who can give it to you to spend!”

“That doesn’t sound good either, dear.”

“I know, I know!” Carlos sighed, exasperatedly. “But you get what I’m saying right?”

“It makes sense,” Cecil said slowly, thinking of each word that left his mouth.

Morality shook his head. “I just don’t want to break the law.”

Carlos looked out the hallway left and right before quietly whispering to Patton, “Well sometimes the law is wrong.”

“A quick point if I may,” Logan interrupted. “Carlos certainly has a point. Unjust laws certainly exist, and while there may be certain rules in place made to keep the people safe, it is ludicrous to have to prove that you exist before you are allowed to have a job opportunity. We exist, and we know this for sure.”

“That also brings me to what I wanted to talk to you about,” Carlos added. “Logan, I was thinking about our conversation yesterday, and this whole dinner party confirmed what I wanted to do. I was wondering if you’d be interested in working at my lab. You can conduct your own experiments and maybe we could dig up some evidence to support the fact that you actually exist. It’d really help our case. Does it sound like something you’d be interested in?”

“Of course. It would be my pleasure.”

“Oh and while you two are doing sciency things at Carlos’ lab, can you like, make some sort of chart or sciency labels I can use to tell you all apart? It’s kind of hard to do that and I just get really confused looking at all of your faces.”

“We’ll get name tags for the Sides.” Carlos quickly kissed Cecil’s cheek, the latter blushing profusely as Carlos continued. “So do you want to take the job Patton?”

Patton bit his lip, scrunching and unscrunching his shoulders, before settling them down and smiling at the couple. “Sure! It’d be great to see Esteban again!” They said their goodbyes, and Logan and Patton quickly ran through the wall to catch up with the rest of Thomas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter where I realized I’ve been spelling ‘Carlsberg’ wrong for the past few forevers. *facepalm*
> 
> It's 12:30 in the morning and I'm very tired.


	8. 4A: Bake Sale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Night Vale PTA holds a bake sale, and Cecil is tired after a long day off work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Food, Blood, Screeching noises, pounding on door, yelling  
> Word Count: 1866  
> A/N: Codes are very plot relevant, you see?

**[August 12, 2019]**

_ Wait, wait, wait. _

_ If I’m real, _

_ And you’re real, _

_ Then who’s holding onto the line? _

_ Welcome to Night Vale _

**CECIL:** [energetically] Good evening listeners! It is currently 8:00 PM and I just finished making my coffee just in time for tonight’s show. [long sip, refreshing exhale] I had a lovely day, but I am  _ really  _ tired. So I’m having coffee to get through tonight’s show! [long sip] Carlos said that I shouldn’t drink  _ too  _ much coffee while I’m on my shift, but  _ god  _ I am  _ so _ tired! Sorry, Carlos. This ones for you. [prolonged sip] Today was an interesting day. The Night Vale PTA held a bake sale out by Grove Park in order to fund their Blood Writers Project, I got to run some very important errands with Carlos, and a librarian escaped the Night Vale Public Library and still hasn’t been caught yet! You might want to board your house up tonight! [long sip] Let’s jump into the news!

So. Steve Carlsberg texted me  _ everything _ about the PTA Bake Sale. He admitted that he kinda forgot to finish up his last batch of brownies because he was, uh, occupied last night with some family business. So, he frantically spent his morning baking five hundred teeny-tiny brownies in a single tin, just enough to meet the requirements the PTA had set at their last meeting. Steve thought that he was going to be late, with having to package little stamp sized brownies into huge plastic bags, write ingredients, and add little Night Vale PTA stickers to the bags, but he showed up just in time! Great job Steve!

More on the PTA Bake Sale later, but now, it’s time for traffic.

A person drives out onto the roads, despite it being late at night. The vehicle silently traverses throughout the city, headlights flickering intermittently and street lights flickering back. Their conversation goes something like this:

.... . -.-- .- -.-.--

.... . -.-- .-.-.-

.. - / ... ..- .-. . / .. ... / -.. .- .-. -.- / --- ..- - ... .. -.. . --..-- / .- .. -. .----. - / .. - ..--..

.. - .----. ... / - .... . / -. .. --. .... - --..-- / ... --- / - .... .- - / .--. .-. --- -... .- -... .-.. -.-- / . -..- .--. .-.. .- .. -. ... / .. - .-.-.-

\--- .... --..-- / .-. .. --. .... - -.-.-- / .... .- .... .- .-.-.- / .. / --. ..- . ... ... / -.-- --- ..- / -.-. --- ..- .-.. -.. / ... .- -.-- / .. .----. -- / -. --- - / - .... . / -... .-. .. --. .... - . ... - -.-.--

\--- .... --..-- / --. --- -.. .-.-.-

\--. . - / .. - ..--.. / -... . -.-. .- ..- ... . / .. .----. -- / .- / .... . .- -.. .-.. .. --. .... - ..--..

.-- .- - -.-. .... / - .... . / .-. --- .- -.. -.-.--

The driver swerves to avoid a deer in the street and suddenly breaks. They pant heavily, before shutting the engine off. Stepping out into the dark, they turn on a flashlight attached to their phone. Y’know, the one all phones are equipped with. The big yellow ones. This light too flickers.

-.. .- .-. -.- .-.-.- / ...- . .-. -.-- / -.. .- .-. -.- .-.-.- / -.. .- .-. -.- -. . ... ... / -.-. --- -. ... ..- -- . ... / ..- ... .-.-.- / - .... . / -- .. -.. -.. .-.. . / --. .-. --- ..- -. -.. / -.-. .- -. / ... --- -- . - .. -- . ... / -... . / .-- . .-.. .-.. / -.. . ..-. .. -. . -.. --..-- / --- .-. / -... .-.. ..- .-. .-. . -.. / ..- -. .. -. - . .-.. .-.. .. --. .. -... .-.. -.-- .-.-.- / .-.. .. --. .... - / -.-. .- -. / ..-. .- -.. . --..-- / -... ..- - / .. - / -.-. .- -. / .- .-.. ... --- / ..-. .-.. .. -.-. -.- . .-. --..-- / .- -. -.. / . ...- . -. - ..- .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / ... .--. ..- - - . .-. / --- ..- -....-

And the light sputters out. There is no deer. There is no vehicle, and there is no driver. There is only light and dark and the things in between.

This has been traffic.

The Bake Sale started off pretty slowly. Almost no one showed up at first. Carlos and I managed to stop by on our way to City Hall at noon, and nothing had been sold yet. We took a few bags of Steve’s brownies, paid a few hundred dollars for the bags, and went on our way; but before we left, Steve confided with me that things weren’t looking too hot for the PTA.

“Maybe we should’ve taken donations of blood instead!” he whispered. “Even though we’d have to worry about clotting and bring bags to sort them out, it’d probably more directly help us towards our goals! Y’know I don’t even know why we want to use blood as a method of writing! It’s kinda weird…And with no one coming, I can’t let people know about the big you-know-what!”

[long sip]

If you didn’t know, a librarian went loose from the library. The Sheriff’s Secret Police have yet to have captured it, and the City Council is currently cowering, er, I mean, working very hard in their chambers at City Hall. Tamika Flynn gathered her formerly teen now just a militia and went in search of the librarian, but has yet to find it. In the meantime, it is highly recommended that you do not exit your homes. Board up the doors, and no matter what you do,  _ do not answer the door. _ If you hear the screeching of a librarian, turn off your lights. Turn on your radio. And hide.

Oh. Well it looks like I’m out of coffee. Huh. Well, I guess I can make some more later. I left the doors and windows to my studio unboarded so as to allow me to grab more coffee as I needed it. I mean, it should be fine. I’m pretty sure I’m completely alone, except for Station Management just down the hallway, the crack under their door ominously glowing. Ehh, I’ll be fine.

The Moonlite All-Nite Diner had a sale on invisible pie today. For every one slice a customer purchased, they would get a second one for full price! Laura, one of the regular waiters at the diner explained the deal, saying, “This deal is especially for those of you having a bad day. We know that not everyday is great. In fact, not many days are great.”

She wept as one of her many fruit-bearing branches was snapped in the closing doorway behind her, and she began to bled profusely. I offered to help her, but she shook slowly and continued, “But we just really hope that you know that you are free to stop by the Moonlite All-Nite Diner for a bite of invisible pie whenever you like! But if you have one bite of pie, you will have to pay full price. But you’ll also get another slice of pie! For full price!”

Wow! What a deal! Be sure to stop by the Moonlite All-Nite Diner to get your two, fully priced slices of invisible pie soon, as stock is limited, and this is the best and only place for you to get invisible pie!

All hope was nearly lost at the Night Vale PTA’s bake sale. They tried selling it to each other, but that didn’t quite work out as every member insisted that their baked good was best and they really should try it. _Try it._ Finally, Diane Crayton, treasurer of the PTA, suggested that they go out and sell the baked goods door to door.

“They can’t say no if we walk up with a bunch of food at their doors, right?” she asked. “Door to door salesmen are a thing. If the customers don’t come to you, you go to them.” The other members of the PTA were desperate, so naturally they all agreed. Except for Susan Wilman. Ugh.  _ Susan Wilman. _

[yawn] 

And now for today’s sponsors.

Today’s show was brought to you by SquareSpace. Need a place to put your squares? SquareSpace has your back. Now with over infinitely many places to put your squares, SquareSpace offers the best place to put your favorite squares! You can put them in on the desk, on the wall, in the air, and even on the moon! Now, if you sign-up for free, SquareSpace will put your square up on their great Square Hall of Fame, which is just a cardboard box with square stickers all over it.

SquareSpace. Make room for those Squares.

Gosh. I’m really...really tired. Maybe I should [yawn]. Board up the office and take a quick nap. [distant screeching] Since the librarian is still loose. [yawn] I’ll get back to the bake sale and the librarian. But now. The weather. [snoring, pounding on door]

{[The Weather](https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ) Feel free to copy/paste this link to listen to the weather! https://youtu.be/dQe4e9WgXcQ }

**CECIL:** Okay..[yawn]. It was a quick nap. I’m feeling... more tired. I guess I shouldn’t have had that coffee, huh? That’s okay. I-oh! Oh god. Oh no. [stumbling, clattering, screeching continues]

Listeners, I’m under my desk. There is a librarian just outside my door. [shudders] I accidentally looked it in the eye!  _ Never _ look librarians in the eye! It only makes them more [screeching increases] more angry!

Okay. I’m going to very quickly board up my doors and call-

[cell phone rings]

Oh. It’s Tamika! Hold on listeners, let me get her on air. [beep] Tamika?

**TAMIKA:** Cecil, board up your doors and cover your windows. I’m coming with a hardcover copy of  _ All the Light We Cannot See _ and  _ The Language Police  _ and I’m going to get rid of that librarian for you! I’ll be there in a few minutes.

**CECIL:** [slightly offended] I can take care of myself, Tamika! I’m already- [pounding on door]. Yeah, I think I’ll get started on that. I’ll see you in a few minutes!

**TAMIKA:** Later Cecil!

[end tone]

**CECIL:** Alright.  _ Alright. _ I’ve got everything boarded up, and I’m going to return to my safety spot underneath my desk. [cluttering] So, I suppose that I can finish telling what exactly happened with the Bake Sale and how the librarian escaped.

The Bake Sale was doing much better than before. Their biggest sale was to the City Council, who they ran into outside of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Complex. The City Council purchased almost everything that the PTA was selling, for no specific reason, although I do know that they are currently in good graces with Station Management...hm. Must be a coincidence!

The PTA’s little adventure brought them to the library, which no one should attempt to enter. Diane Crayton, however, decided to leave a small offering just inside the library door. She carefully placed a few of the baked goods on the floor outside of the library, then pushed them inside with her foot. However, this was just enough, just enough to allow a vengeful librarian to push past her and out into the streets of Night Vale. Diane Crayton is currently in the Night Vale General Hospital, although she insists that she is fine. But the librarian is still loose! And it’s right outside my door!

**TAMIKA:** [distant] Hey you!

**CECIL:** Why-why it’s Tamika! She must be just down the hall.

**TAMIKA:** [yelling] These books are. NOT. OVER. DUE. And I’m NOT afraid to use them!

**CECIL:** I can barely see through the cracks in my boards, but she’s running down the hall, two hardcover books in hand, and she’s slammed them across the librarian's face. It’s hissing and howling now, throwing blows and missing, as Tamika nimbly slides beneath the librarian’s form and pulls out a slingshot, and- oh! It’s body has collapsed just outside my door. Tamika? Is it safe to unboard now?

**TAMIKA:** Hold on. [tap, tap] Yeah, we’re all clear.

**CECIL:** Oh thank goodness. Well, listeners, you are free to unboard your windows and doors and order that midnight pizza! The librarian has been defeated!

So, Tamika. Any plans now?

**TAMIKA:** Eh, I might just stay up and finish up  _ The Learned Disguise _ before bed. I’ll have to clear off the militia and take Lucky on a walk. I’ve gotta get going now. Take care, Cecil!

**CECIL:** Good night, Tamika!

The Bake Sale was a huge success. Steve managed to work on our super secret you-know-what, and the PTA exceeded their goals. Now, they will be able to afford some of the blood for the next school year’s students as they experiment with using blood as a writing utensil.

I think I’m going to sign off here listeners. It’s late, and I just want to go home, see my husband, sleep, and quite possibly never drink coffee again.

Ah, who am I kidding. I’ll always drink coffee.

Good night,

Night Vale.

Good night.


	9. 4B: Bake Sale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Night Vale PTA holds a bake sale. Thomas and the Sides make a request for a hearing regarding the Sides’ legal existence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, food mention, worms, bleeding, fear  
> Word Count: 2213  
> A/N: Okay, so I’ve yet to read It Devours! So my knowledge of the Hall of Public Records is limited to the fan wiki. Hopefully, I did a good? If not, I’m sorry for not adhering to the canon, but honestly it’s a crossover AU, and Night Vale is comprised of multiple universes, so let’s just say it’s one of those other universes.

**[August 12, 2019]**

There was a knock at their door, and Remus was the first to answer it, with Roman close behind him.

“Fuck off, bitch!”

“Remus! It’s  _ Cecil. _ The radio show person?”

“Ohhh yeah,” he giggled. “Hi!”

“Green guy! Red one! Hi!” Cecil stood with several large plastic bags with what appeared to be tiny, postage stamp sized brownies. “Is everyone home?”

“Not like we can go anywhere,” Roman sighed. He finally took a complete look at Cecil and his eyes widened in surprise. “Wow. That is quite the outfit if I do say so myself! Are those...worms on strings?”

Cecil chuckled, and gave a large swoop with his arms, the multi-colored little noodles swishing from his sleeves. “Yup! It’s my best business suit, just the right thing for important business! Oh, and I also decided to wear these really nice galoshes!”

Remus squinted, twirling his mustache. “Now what if they were  _ actual _ worms?”

Roman sputtered incoherently and Cecil’s face lit up. “Actually, I think I do have another worm suit in my closet!” He opened his mouth to continue before quickly shaking his head. “But not now. Are you guys ready to go? Carlos is waiting in our car.”

The twins nodded quickly, and they turned their backs to Cecil to yell into the house, “Cecil and Carlos are here! Let’s go!” The others stumbled down the stairs and out the door.

Thomas was last, holding the car keys in his hands. He looked Cecil up and down, and eyes widening he said, “What?! Cecil, that is an awesome outfit!”

“Thank you! So are you driving?”

“Yeah, and are you guys leading the way to City Hall?”

“Yup! We can also take some Sides in our car if you want to make some room. But we couldn’t figure out how to take out the car seat for Esteban, so we just pulled out the entire seat instead, so we can’t fit as many people now.”

“No problem! Thanks! We’ll see you there!” Thomas waved, and his keys fell through his hand, sending a chill down his spine.

Cecil looked on with concern. “Hey are you okay?”

“What? Oh yeah, I’m fine. Just slipped from my hands, haha!” Chuckling nervously, Thomas hurriedly picked up the keys from the pavement and made to his car. Patton and Janus offered to go in the Scientist-Palmer car, and they went off.

City Hall wasn’t too far from the Sanders house, but it was certainly a strange building. It held some features of a normal city hall: it was majestic, with multiple stories, a lawn and tulip garden. But there were certain things that caught Thomas’ eye as he approached it: the glass cases holding two, still boys; the dying plants out on the lawn; the huge piece of black velvet bunched on the ground; the old stone towers atop the building, intermittently spewing out fire.

“Night Vale sure is an interesting town,” he said quietly, the Sides in his car nodding in agreement.

“How is that  _ not _ a fire hazard?” Virgil pointed aggressively out the window. “Like. What!?”

“You think those towers are actually tiny volcanoes that just go boom!” Remus stated excitedly.

Logan looked skeptically next to him, raising an eyebrow. “Was that a question?”

“No. It was a statement.”

“Well, Remus I don’t think that.” Thomas parled on the street, not too far from Cecil, Carlos, Patton, and Janus. “I mean, it’s probably normal here. And if it hasn’t caused any problems before Virgil, it’s probably safe.”

“ _ Probably _ .”

“Yeah! Probably. Come on! Let’s go.”

They exited the car, and met with the others in front of City Hall. “We'll be like your tour guides!” Carlos exclaimed excitedly. “It will be great!”

“Question. What’s with this lawn?” Virgil asked. “What’s all this stuff?”

“Well, purple guy,” Cecil began, as he walked up to the building, the rest of the group following behind him, “The tarp there is used to cover City Hall at night, as customary. The glass cases contain  Franklin Wilson and Barton Donovan, the first two boys ever who achieved the Boy Scout rank of Eternal Scout!”

Roman peered through the glass at the still, contorted bodies, nervously chuckling. “They’re certainly realistic.”

“Of course!” Carlos came up next to Roman and pointed at the boys. Those are their real, preserved bodies!”

“Oh. Oh!”

“Oooo! How intriguing!” Remus pressed his face up to the glass in wonder. “Look at their little faces!”

Cecil coughed. “Let’s go. Keep your head down.” He led them past the door guard who could not see or hear, as was appropriate for all guards, and into City Hall. “We can’t stop here; we have to just go straight into the Hall of Public Records. It’s where you’ll have your hearing. But, I think we have to pass the City Council’s chambers.”

“Well that shouldn’t be too bad though, right?” Patton smiled cheerily, rocking on his feet, “We’ll pop in, say hi, and go on our way!”

Cecil sputtered and frantically waved his arms. “No! It’s not fine!” He sighed, shaking his head. “Erm, sorry. But City Council is extremely intimidating and very formidable. It’s best to walk confidently like you have someplace to be and keep your head down. You’d usually need to wear a blindfold, but we don’t have that many.”

“And how exactly do we do that?” Logan asked. “Those are two very different things to be doing at once. In fact they contradict one another, do they not?”

“Trust me, Logan. It works.” Carlos put a reassuring hand on Cecil’s shoulder and nodded. “Let’s go as quickly as we can.”

They walked silently to a door which Cecil bled on (“Some doors in Night Vale are bleed, not push or pull. You’ll figure it out eventually.”) and opened. It opened into a cavernous hall, with a long table and many seats lined up behind it facing the doorway. The seats were all empty.

“That’s...weird,” Virgil whispered quietly.

Cecil shrugged, “They probably went on vacation, though I can’t imagine why. And Tamika Flynn is a member of the City Council, and she’d never leave such an important position…Maybe I’ll hear about it later at work. Wait.” He held a hand out, frowning, and the group paused. Cecil stood still for a moment, shutting his eyes. After a long pause, he opened them, shaking his head. “Oh no. Oh  _ no _ .”

“What is it?” Carlos hurried close and looked around the room before whispering, “Are we in trouble?”

“Yes and no. A librarian has gone loose.”

“Oh dear.”

“Oh dear indeed. Come on.” With a renewed sense of purpose in his step, Cecil walked through the council room towards a set of doors behind the table. “We have to hurry. Once we get everything registered, we can then get you all home as soon as possible. When you’re home, you must board up the windows and doors. Do not open them for anyone, no matter who it is.”

“Will you still go to work tonight, Cece?”

“I have to. Everyone must be made aware. I don’t know if the news is covering it. It’s on 24/7 in everyone’s homes, but it may not be enough. If Tamika isn’t here, then hopefully, she’s gathering the militia.”

Thomas nervously approached, chuckling awkwardly, “Sorry, but um, who’s Tamika?”

“She’s the leader of the once teen militia,” Cecil explained.

“Now it’s just a militia,” Carlos added.

“Several years ago, Tamika and a small group of children completed the library’s Summer Reading Program and defeated some of the librarians, escaping and forming a militia soon after. Tamika joined the 

The Sides and Thomas looked amongst themselves, all confused on what was happening, but followed their guides nonetheless. They watched as Cecil bled once again and this time, Carlos led them down into what must have been the basement of City Hall.

Roman bounded close behind him, excitedly. “A quest to fill out paperwork! This is certainly exciting! What a heist!” He began to walk backwards, looking at Carlos and Cecil as he spoke, “So they keep the Hall of Public Records all the way down he-” He walked backwards into a vault door, groaning as he fell to the floor.

“Roman!” Patton yelped. Remus laughed as the others ran over to Roman. “Are you alright?”

“Alh gud padwe. Prwease leh goh off mah face?”

“Oh sorry!”

Carlos pulled out a flashlight and handed it to Cecil, who shook it very excitedly as his husband spoke, “The Hall of Public Records is an incredibly secure and dangerous place. We have to make sure we find the right shelf, fill out the paperwork, and leave as quickly as possible before we accidentally alert someone of our presence.” He pulled out a strange device that had multiple antennae and flashed multiple colors, beeping occasionally. “This should help us navigate the hall.”

“But how do we get past this door?” Logan approached it, rapping upon the metal surface. “It appears to require a certain code to enter.”

“I’ve got it!” Cecil yelled. “Everybody stand back!” He walked backwards and with a running start, he threw the flashlight at the door. The light hurtled towards the door, and it exploded upon impact, a large hole left in the center of the doorway.  A collective gasp escaped the mouths of the Floridians, as a hallway of lasers was presented before them. Virgil shook his head rapidly. “How are we supposed to get through that?!”

“Well, there is a way to deactivate them,” Carlos explained. “I’m not the  _ greatest _ hacker, so we enlisted the help of some angels. They managed to help stop the mind-reading devices to allow us to go under no suspicion and turn off the heat sensors. Now, we need to wait for the angels to-”

As he spoke, the lasers all flickered off, leaving the room significantly less lasery.

And so began their search for paperwork.

They wandered around in a panic, as Carlos’ eyes were glued to the screen of his device, pointing in seemingly random directions saying, “Not that way.” The lights flickered intermittently and faces peered from the shadows. Voices could be heard from behind various shelving units, but as they approached them or got too close, the voices fell silent. They navigated nearly identical aisles that only had one small slightly different detail, before finding an aisle that appeared seemingly identical to the ones they passed before. “This is it.” Carlos lowered the antennae and turned to the rest of the group. “ You can fill out the paperwork in there. It should be on the second shelf. Put it back where you found it and it’ll be processed. We’ll stand out here and keep guard.”

“It would be best for Thomas to do the writing, as he is legally existing.” Logan handed Thomas a container of gravel. “You can use this to write and fill out the application.”

“Oh geez. Thanks Logan!” Gravel in hand, Thomas walked into the aisle of filing cabinets and found one labeled “Things that Definitely Don’t Exist.” He slowly opened the drawer and began shifting through documents, all crammed tightly into the drawer. “Mountains?...Transparent governments?...I don’t see anything to request to be existing here!”

Cecil looked quickly to both directions before hurrying to Thomas’ side. “Um.. I think it’s..no. Not that one. Um...This! This is it!” With his triumphant shout came a loud roar that shook the hall. Cecil and Thomas turned to the others. With wide eyes, Cecil quietly whispered, “Was that one of you?” They quickly shook their heads, suddenly a loud thump came from the direction of the doorway. “It appears that City Council did not go on vacation after all!” The radio host quickly pulled out the document and handed it to Thomas, and gestured frantically to the others for them to stay silent and follow him.

Remaining close behind each other, they scrambled towards the far wall at the end of the aisle. Carlos pointed up, and began to slowly scale the filing cabinets. He pulled out another device from under his stealth lab coat and pressed a button. City Council roared once again, and quickly stormed its way towards the opposite end of the hall, away from the group.

Carlos leapt down and into Cecil’s arms, giving a quick kiss. With this, Thomas nodded towards the entrance to the aisle and general direction of the door way. The group peered out of the aisle, to where City Council was tearing apart filing cabinets in search of the intruders. They bolted towards the door, Janus practically dragging Remus, whose wide, amazade eyes were glued to the great mass that was City Council.

Carlos led them through the door, and they bounded up the stairs. City Council had heard, and boomed as the gang hurried through the Council’s chambers, and made it out into the fresh air. Standing on the steps of City Hall, they panted and held each other’s shoulders and laughed and cried. Thomas filled out the paperwork with gravel and placed it just outside the door, next to the guard.

“Thanks guys. We really appreciate it,” Thomas ruffled his hair, and shook his head. “I guess all we can do now is wait.”


	10. 5A: Recording

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A different kind of report. A scientist attempts to understand how imaginary beings become situated in reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Logan h/c with some Carlos (but like, not shippy)  
> Word Count: 1324

**[August 13, 2019]**

**CARLOS:** Log Number 16926. Date: August 13th, 2019. Project: Proving Existence of Previously Non-Existing Beings

Okay, so. I’m in my lab today with my team of scientists and Logan, the former, or maybe still current, embodiment of Thomas Sander’s Logic. Wait, Logan? Do you have a last name?

[footsteps]

 **LOGAN:** No, I legally do not, though I do believe that us Sides have taken the last name ‘Sanders.’ As for why, Patton, or Morality, says that we are Thomas’ family.

 **CARLOS:** That’s really sweet!

 **LOGAN:** Patton is sentimental and family orientated. And, well, we are all parts of Thomas’ personality.

 **CARLOS:** Intriguing. Well. I invited Logan over to my lab a few days ago, even though it’s technically illegal for me to acknowledge his existence until the government says that it’s okay. But this is science, and science is important and interesting and fun. Right, Logan?

 **LOGAN:** Of course.

[long pause]

 **CARLOS:** Well okay then! So Logan and I will be conducting experiments to see how real are the Sides, in hopes of providing evidence for their existence to the City Council sometime in the future.

 **LOGAN:** Although this date is unknown. Time is strange in Night Vale.

 **CARLOS:** Wow, you’re a fast learner!

 **LOGAN:** Why, thank you.

[long pause]

 **CARLOS:** You know, Logan. You don’t have to be so serious.

 **LOGAN:** But I am Thomas’ Logic. It is imperative that we get our work done in the most efficient manner possible, and we cannot do that while dawdling on things that aren’t useful to us. We must begin immediately. Also, considering that the government is most likely listening in on us, we ought to change our manner of recording.

 **CARLOS:** You’re totally right! We should encode our recordings so people don't understand what we’re saying, except for those with a very secret code. Hmm. How about A1Z26?

 **LOGAN:** That sounds adequate.

 **CARLOS:** Alright! Lemme fiddle with this machine’s swi20-3-8-5-19 6-15-18 1 13-15-13-5-14-20, 1-14-4 20-1-4-1! 9-20’19 16-5-18-6-5-3-20! <<translated for your ease of reading, because if I kept this entire fic in A1Z26, it would have been awful for y’all to read.>> Now. Logan. Let’s get started!

First off, I have a few questions. Were there any unique abilities you had while being imagined by Thomas?

 **LOGAN:** Well, although not all of us were trained well in it, the others and I were able to summon objects, and sometimes each other, at will. We were also able to change our physical forms to those of other people, as well as change our articles of clothing.

 **CARLOS:** And where did these things come from?

 **LOGAN:** We aren’t entirely sure. If we simply reached out, it was like the object was handed to us. Although, in the case of summoning others, we’d make gestures as if grabbing them from beyond the floor. It’s perhaps most common for us to summon others by the back of their shirts, rather than by their hair or arms. It simply provides less physical discomfort.

Another skill that we had was to be able to change the location of our discussion, and we each had our own “rooms” within the mindscape, that had various effects on those within it based on who the room belonged to. We could also stretch our arms impressively long.

 **CARLOS:** So you moved someplace different in the real world?

 **LOGAN:** No, this all took place within Thomas’ mind. We were all previously figments of thomas’ mind. Our abilities were what he imagined them to be.

 **CARLOS:** Since existing in the real world, have you shown any signs of those previous abilities?

 **LOGAN:** No. We are quite normal and powerless.

 **CARLOS:** Alright then! Well, for this first test, could you please walk down like you’re a mime going down the stairs?

 **LOGAN:** I don’t see how this is relevant.

 **CARLOS:** Oh no, it is. Trust me. Just try it. Straight to that wall over there where Cecil is standing.

 **LOGAN:** Yes, I did mean to ask about it. Why exactly do you have a wall with your husband painted in full size on it?

 **CARLOS:** Because I love him, and even if this painting doesn't completely capture every single thing that makes him perfect, I love being able to talk to him while I’m too busy to call.

 **LOGAN:** I’m sorry. “Talk to him while you’re too busy to call?”

 **CARLOS:** Yeah! See!

[beep]

 **AUTOMATED CECIL:** Hi Carlos! I love you!

 **CARLOS:** I love you too babe! Wanna help with this experiment?

 **AUTOMATED CECIL:** Science?! I get to do science with you?! I’d love to! What do I have to do?

 **CARLOS:** Just be sure to give Logan a friendly hug while he walks over to you, okay?

 **AUTOMATED CECIL:** Okay!

 **LOGAN:** Oh my gosh.

 **CARLOS:** Okay! Go ahead!

[footsteps, thump]

 **LOGAN:** Oh, what the fuh.

 **CARLOS:** Cecil! Are you okay?

 **LOGAN/AUTOMATED CECIL:** Oh I’m fine. Thanks for asking.

 **CARLOS:** And Logan too! Are you okay?

 **LOGAN:** I’m fine. It’s nothing awful. Just a small bump. Nothing close to a concussion.

 **CARLOS:** Do you want to keep going? Or do you want to try again another day. Maybe we should do less physical stuff and work on testing smaller things, testing to see if your arms can stretch, or if you can change our surrounding area!

 **LOGAN:** I’m fine, Carlos. Really. We can keep going.

 **CARLOS:** Okay then…

Let’s try making you go back under the floor! Can you jump up and down and try to let the floor consume you. And don’t worry, they aren’t like some other floors in Night Vale consume you, so we’ll actually know if you have secret abilities here.

[thump, thump, thump]

 **LOGAN:** It’s not working.

 **CARLOS:** So it doesn’t look like it’s working...Stretch your arms out. And try to reach Cecil and give him a high five.

 **LOGAN:** Hgnnn. Hgnnn. I can’t do it.

 **CARLOS:** So you can’t quite do it. That’s okay!

 **LOGAN:** [increasingly more agitated] I’m just slightly frustrated given the fact that existentialism is such a loose concept. If I exist, some people may still simply decide to disregard what they see because they are afraid or believe that they may find some benefit in it! It’s ridiculous! Even if I speak pure logic and reason, anyone could choose to ignore it and continue on with their day, pretending that _I_ don’t exist! What is the point of Log

 **AUTOMATED CECIL:** That’s rough, buddy.

[beep]

 **CARLOS:** Don’t mind Cecil. Logan, you are heard. And quite honestly, you are really cool. And cool is a range of temperatures. And we can measure temperatures! So that means you’re real!

 **LOGAN:** That is perhaps the most absurd and yet most amazing logic I have ever heard. And _I_ am Logic.

 **CARLOS:** What can I say? I’m a scientist. I science. And I care about you and the others being able to live normal lives here while you’re in Night Vale, however long that may be.

 **LOGAN:** T-thank you. Erm. [ahem] I don’t suppose we could end here? I would like to conduct my own research.

 **CARLOS:** Sure! Next time, we’ll bring the other Sides here to do some testing! Here, have this spare tape recorder! I find that working in the field doesn’t leave too much time for writing down notes with sprinkles.

 **LOGAN:** Thank you. Now, could you by any chance tell me where the library is?

 **CARLOS:** The library? Bu-Logan, you aren’t going to the library are you? It’s highly dangerous and full of librarians!

 **LOGAN:** I’d be surprised if the library wasn’t full of librarians.

 **CARLOS:** Nononono. Logan, you _shouldn’t_ go.

 **LOGAN:** Just because I shouldn’t doesn’t mean I can. Besides, it’s for science. How difficult can handling a few irritated librarians be?

 **CARLOS:** If you’re really going, just be careful, okay?

 **LOGAN:** Of course. I’ll return to you as soon as I gather more information.

 **CARLOS:** Alright...Um. End Log Number 16926.


	11. 5B: Recording

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A different kind of report. Logic attempts to find more information about Night Vale and how exactly they got there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Blood, swearing, fear, corpses,   
> Word Count: 1460

**[August 13, 2019]**

**LOGAN:** Test. Test. One...Two...Three. I believe this is working.

I am Logic, also known as Logan. I am Thomas Sanders’ logical side. Do forgive me if I’m not doing this correctly. Carlos recommended that I take notes this way. I can see how it may be useful, though I personally prefer using simply pen and paper. However, writing utensils are prohibited in Night Vale, so I’m stuck with this old tape recorder.

[ahem]

Now then, today is August 13th in the year 2019. Four days ago, Thomas Sanders arrived in Night Vale, a small desert town in the American Southwest that has not appeared in any maps I have consulted. Whenever I ask what state we’re in to the few people acknowledging my existence, they simply tell me “you know, the one in the United States.” [sigh] It was a very difficult conversation.

Thomas did not rest in the two days I estimated it took him to travel, however I’m told that time is strange and inconsistent when it comes to travelling to Night Vale, so this information may be incorrect. Then again, I’m also told that time was recently fixed, and the citizens here are still worried about with ageing, death, and all. So perhaps, this information is correct.

Thomas was in a trance-like state in which he did not respond to communication from all Sides, with the exception of Patton, or Morality. Last I remember, he was sitting down outside when he saw a cloud in front of the moon at night. The moon was in its first quarter stage, and the cloud moved in front of the moon, illuminated in such a way that it appeared that the cloud was glowing and was shaped like an eye.

In that instant, I lost contact with Thomas. I was unable to sense what was going on around him until he crossed the town border. He suddenly regained his senses and I, along with his five other Sides appeared in his car.

Although we were originally merely figiments of Thomas’ mind, used to help him understand different parts to his identity and work through difficult problems, as soon as we entered Night Vale, we became real, corporeal beings that could interact with the real world around us.

There is something strange about this town. A...supernatural aspect to it which defies all logic. But I am determined to find out what exactly is going on here.

With the help of Carlos the Scientist, I will question each Side and Thomas, and figure out what the reason we came to this town was. In return, I have temporarily joined Carlos’ team of scientists and will be assisting them in conducting experiments around this town, though I’m not sure what they could possibly experiment on. For now, I’m simply working alongside Carlos in his attempts to find concrete evidence that the Sides and I exist.

[sigh]

This has been a draining experience. I have yet to understand anything about this town. It’s unlike any that we’ve encountered before. I’ve done my best to abide by the majority of the laws I’ve learned of in Night Vale, but some are so absurd that I simply  _ cannot _ abide by them.

Now then, it appears that  _ this _ building is the Night Vale Public Library. The information contained in the written word will most likely prove to be more substantial to me than anything else. I have been warned by several people that the librarians are dangerous, but honestly. They’re just  _ librarians _ . Despite the great power that knowledge holds, I doubt that these librarians are dangerous. Yesterday, August 12, a librarian escaped, and wreaked havoc upon the town, before it was disposed of by Tamika Flyn, but I doubt that it was even that dangerous.

[footsteps]

The large windows at the front of the library provide some natural light to enter the building, however, it remains dim. I can see the dust, and the seemingly empty shelves and racks. The front desk looks ancient, as if it hasn’t been touched in ages. Dust and..oh. There’s blood on the desk. Long dried, but still. There’s blood. That...is unnatural.

I could leave.

[beat]

However, there are no signs of imminent danger. I will continue.

This front area appears to contain no books. That does not matter. I am looking for archived texts, such as newspapers. Maps and atlases may also prove to be useful as to identifying where we are in the United States. Perhaps I simply must continue further on.

There is a light at the end of this hallway, which appears to be another part of the library. Here we are. Ah. Given the unsettling nature of the statues surrounding this section and the low shelves, I believe that this is the Children’s Section. I don’t see any books here. There  _ is _ a fountain, however. It isn’t functioning at the moment, and it appears not to have run in a long time. There is a great skylight above me, which is providing me with enough light to see that...yes. There is a sign that leads to the archives, just down a few more shelves.

[low hissing]

What was that? [slightly fearful, low voice] It appears that a dark creature is currently above me, clinging to the skylight with their talon. Oh, there are multiple now. Perhaps if I remain silent and still, they will pass. [beat] But what is that creature?

[click, loud hiss, clatter, running footsteps]

I turned on my flashlight, to try and see their faces, but I only managed to catch a glimpse before they flew down and began to attack me. I left behind my flashlight and I am stumbling my way in the dark towards the dark archives. There only appear to be more following me. Oh god. This feeling in my chest, as my lungs burn- wait...I don’t have feelings. But this. This is reminiscent of the time the others and I were in Virgil’s room. This is anxiety. Oh god this is anxiety. Or perhaps it is simply mortal terror? [screech]

Shit. I need to exit the premises immediately. This is the biography section, and it smells awful here. This section is surprising, as it appears to actually have books. However, they all appear to be the same copies of  _ The Biography of Helen Hunt _ . And,  _ oh my _ . There is more blood on the spines of some of the books, a line that runs all the way to- oh. There is a rotting corpse here, holding a copy of  _ The Biography of Helen Hunt _ in their hand. Oh my. It would be unfortunate to leave them here to rot, but I cannot carry them out with me. I’ll just-

[shuffling]

There. I lay them so that they may sit upright, with the book open in their hands to page one. A corpse must have good posture while they’re reading. [muffled] Ugh. [normal] I’m beginning to sound like  _ Remus. _

The librarians have settled down. I don’t believe that they see me. The archives are right this way. I just need to stay close to the wall, and not make a-

[crack, followed by hissing and screeching, clattering, abrupt click]

[whirring, click]

I’m out. Out of the library. I was unable to obtain any information. All I have to show for my efforts is a copy of  _ The Biography of Helen Hunt,  _ and a several wounds on my arms. [low hiss] It hurts more than it should.

I had stepped on the foot of the corpse, and now the librarians were immediately altered of my location. I grabbed the first thing I saw, which was the book I had given the corpse, and ran to the archives.

Quickly shuffling through, I saw little that was of use to me. As far as the newspapers and documents were concerned, Night Vale is a completely normal place, full of supernatural and slightly unsettling activity. I could not find a map that would show where Night Vale was in the U.S, only small yellowed and coffee stained directions to a place called ‘King City.’

The only information that I found could be of potential use to me was the name of the person who had written most of the articles: Leann Hart. She appears to be a sort of journalist and editor, perhaps, of the  _ Night Vale Daily Journal _ . Perhaps I could find more information from her about Night Vale.

I’ll return to Carlos with the information I have, and to see if anyone in his lab can attend to my wounds. If not, I’ll have to go to the hospital. Well, considering how ghastly Night Vale is, I suppose I have to  _ hope _ that there is a hospital here. This ends what I suppose is Log 1. This is Logan Sanders.

End recording.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for the shorter chapters y'all. I'm feeling out of it, and this is as much as I can manage to write. I think I'm slowly stumbling upon some writer's block, at least when it's coming to this fic.
> 
> I've got my TS Big Bang fic to work on (which will be released in mid-August). So for me to wrap up my writing and editing for the Big Bang, I'll be putting this on hiatus. I'm hoping to be back by September. I'm really sorry, especially only a few chapters after my last break. But I'm hoping I'll come back with full energy for this fic by then.
> 
> Until then, take it easy guys, gals, and non-binary pals, good night.


End file.
